My Dear Jonathan

My Dear Jonathan

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Phases of Grief

There are many different stages of grief and the one that hits us first is shock. Shock is a very intense feeling and it can be intensified by many things. Such as our attachment to the deceased, how they died , and whether it was a long illness or an unexpected death. When our children die it is magnified by hundred times. There are of course many reasons for this and one is because we don't expect children to die. But as I and many others have found out, they do. Death doesn't care about age. Or should I say God. Shock is an overwhelming feeling that leaves us feeling confused.
From what I can remember within the first few days of my shock, I was calm. As if I thought I shouldn't show my feelings. I sat at my kitchen table for many days with friends and family just talking about nothing. I made it through the viewing by walking around the whole time and talking to all the 500 people who came to show their support. At the time that seemed the thing to do. The thing that would help me but now I regret it. Why? Because I left my husband sitting next to Jonathan alone, most of the viewing. How could I do that? I say I have no regrets but that is one that I do have.

They say shock will wear off and then turn into confusion , and they are right. I have never been so confused about anything in all my life. I have been reading self help books and talking to many people in the last 3 years that have given me lots of advice and walked m through the phases of grief and up until recently I thought I was through most of those phases. Well guess what I have had a rude awakening because I am just now after 3 years coming out of the shock phase and headed into the awareness of his loss. There are 5 phases, I have a long way to go. I am beginning to gradually feel the intensity of Jonathan's death and wow is it strong.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Grief

Grief in itself is a strong word and for many has many different emotions and meanings. As the years have passed since Jonathan's death I have been through many stages of grief and still don't understand the stages. I also find myself falling backwards into the stages I thought I already went through, successfully at that. Come to find out I have not made it through any stage successfully because there is always the possibility that I will take a step backwards. Why is that? Why is it that I can not move forward and stay there? The first stage is shock and of course I thought that I was through that but because shock comes with disbelief I'm still there. I'm still in disbelief that my son is gone. At the same time I know hes gone and I accept that, so why am I in shock? I feel like I'm stuck on automatic pilot and just drifting through life but I wake up and drive when I need to, like when my children need me. Then there are other aspects of my life that I feel s if I don't want to deal with it so I just turn on the automatic pilot switch. When will this end? When will I be able to take control and keep that switch off?

Lots of people distance themselves from their family and friends because it is to difficult to face the reality returning to their life. That is something I have said for three years that I was never gonna do. Well guess what, I have done that. I'm sure that most of my friends and family can testify to this. When did I come to realize this? Today! Today was the day that I looked in the mirror and saw a person who has left what life she had behind her. I saw someone that has tried to start a new one with her children and husband because for some reason I thought that was all I needed. Wow was I wrong. Maybe one day I will do something about it. Even though I see it I'm not sure I will ever change it. Tomorrow is another day and another hill.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I have so many things running through my mind tonight that I don't even know where to begin.I guess I will begin with the fact that I really wanted to go to Jonathan's grave today but for some reason couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm not really sure why right after he passed away I wouldn't miss a day but now it has been months. I feel as if every time I go there it all starts all over again. It makes it so real. Although I know it is, I don't need any more reminders. I know that many people think that is what we are suppose to do but why? Why do we have to grave sites? I mean I can still talk to Jonathan whenever and wherever,right?

The one thing that bothers me the most about me not going is the fact that I have no idea if its being taken care of. I don't know who goes there and who cleans it off. I don't want him to think I have no interest in taking care of it. I do I just cant bring myself to go. Maybe one day I will go again;