My Dear Jonathan

My Dear Jonathan

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Dear Jonathan

Dear Jonathan,
It's only been a week since you have left us and it already feels like a lifetime. No matter how many times I tell myself things will get better I get hit in the heart with reality, beecause right at that moment your dad, sister and or brother walks in the door to remind me of the pain I will stare at everyday. It's a week later and Derek and Bridget have decided they want to go back to school. That it's time. I agree but at the same time I want them here with me. I want to keep my eye on them and my arms around them at all times. It would mean the world to me if you could keep your eye on them and your arms around them when I'm not there. I know you will keep them safe. As much as I want you here I know that we couldn't have asked for a better guardian angel then you. I love you Jonathan and will miss you forever. See ya soon!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

......

What do you do when that wall you have put up has been brought down? What do you do when you no longer have all the answers or atleast think you do? Right now would be the first time in almost 4 years that I have questions, that I have over flowing emotions, that no wall can hold back. Yes I know these things are normal,but they aren't normal for me. I don't question much because I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason...good and bad. We are not to question God and why he does the things He does. Although my faith in God has not been broken my confidence in what I thought I didn't need to know has. How do I get that back? Being strong is what I am and being that rock for so many others is what I do. I have no time in my life for weakness. I have no time in my life for questions.I can tell you from the bottom of my heart I don't like this, I do not like being weak,even if it's for a split second.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Blogging Again

It's been a long time since I've blogged but I'm back and ready to write again. Here it is almost Christmas. Another one without Jonathan. This will be our fourth Christmas with out him. Every year since he passed I've bought an ornament in memory of him and this year it's the letter J. Although I think it's a fitting ornament so far I haven't found that one that just sticks out and melts my heart. Not sure that I ever will because of course the only right one would be the one he made and that stopped 4 Christmas's ago. I did hang up a stocking for him this year, which is the first time I've ever done that. I'm not sure if it's because I'm nuts or if it's just because!!!