Dear Jonathan

Dear Jonathan,

It's been way to long since I've heard your voice or held your hand. I've been thinking a lot about you lately and how much I miss you. Up until recently I could go weeks even months without shedding a year, with out crying because I miss you so much. I could tell myself I will see you soon. Not so much anymore even though I know I will I'm tired of waiting. I need to see you, I need to hear your voice, I need to tell you I love you.... I just need you. Even if it is only in my dreams for a few seconds.... I need you! 

Holidays bring tears not cheers!

Well Fall has arrived, which means the holidays are right around the corner. I have a strong feeling that this year is going to be tough....not sure why but I do. Maybe because the last few months for me have been tough, I have missed Jonathan more in the last few months than I have in the 4 years hes been gone. Things are hitting home. As much as I hate to admit it I would have to say that I do believe that it took over 4 years for his death to really hit me. I'm still fighting through it dont get me wrong, but it's harder. I don't break down easily and I definatly don't show weakness unless I have absolutely no choice. But see I have a choice, His name is Jesus! If  I keep all of my faith in Him I know I will get through this rough spot to. I know Jonathan wants me to keep being positive and looking at the big picture, which is the fact that I need to do what I need to do here on earth so I can be with him in Heaven.

Move On!!

You are not alone. Your child is not forgotten and you will survive…one breath at a time. We are here...............would be the words of many other grieving parents!! These words make me feel even worse. I mean why in the world would I want anyone to feel the same way I do, to have the same pain I have, or to sometimes walk around in such a daze as if I'm lost in fog. I never wanted to be part of this "bareaved parent" group and I sure as heck didn't wish it on any one else. Who wants to feel numb, lost, out of control, crazy and exhausted? These are just a small amount  of the things parents of angels feel and go through. No matter how much counseling we have or how many meds we take, our children are still angels. People say "go to counseling" , "get put on something" , :move on". Funny thing is going to counseling and taking meds doesn't mean we can move on. I myself have done an awesome job at moving on or atleast I think I have until I need to go more than 10 miles away from my home with out my children. Then it all begins. I'm a complete mess, and I cant "move on". So to those of you that say "move on".......I want you to think of something that hurt you so much you thought your life was over and then multiply that feeling by a trillion, then come find me and tell me how you "moved on" on from that agonizing pain!!!

Happy Birthday!!

Dear Jonathan,
Today is your 14th birthday, what else is there to say? I can't wish you a happy birthday. I can't give you a hug. I can't give you gifts or have you a party. Not sure what to even to think today. I miss you so much lately. I feel like the last 4 years of being "strong" is catching up to me. Sometimes I feel guilty for missing you so much because I'm the rock for so many others so I can't be falling apart. I just need you to know that no matter how many days go by that I dont cry or I stay strong, I am still missing you everyday. I will love you forever.
Love,
mom

Well the plan was to have a heavenly celebration for Jonathan's birthday....that didn't happen! I always say I want to do certain things where Jonathan is concerned but I never do it. I have no idea why I even  say things out loud. Doing things in Jonathan's memory is something I dream of doing but for some reason as time passes its getting harder. I wish I knew why, I wish I could just follow through with these things. I don't even know what else to say about this, except that I am very disappointed in myself for never following through...........

A Heavenly Celebration!!

Well I made it through the 4 year anniversary of Jonathan's death. It was a tough one this year but I pulled through. Had to right? So now I'm preparing for his 14th birthday, or what would have been. If I can prepare for this, successfully that is, I will share the secret. But I don't think that is going to happen. Once your child has gone to heaven there isn't anything you can prepare yourself  for. Everything is always a mess but you make the best of that mess.
I want to celebrate his birthday this year, not sure how but I want to have our friends and family join us in this celebration. And his friends of course. I want to have a birthday party fit for an angel! A heavenly celebration. Not sure how my family will take this idea but I'm hoping they are OK with it.

Dear Jonathan,
three more days and it will be the anniversary of your death. three more days and all memories of  that day will resurface. three more days and we will be reminded yet again that you will not be coming home. all i want is for april 16 to come and go. i dont need to be reminded every year of what happened. i know what happened ............