Dear Jonathan,
Today is your 14th birthday, what else is there to say? I can't wish you a happy birthday. I can't give you a hug. I can't give you gifts or have you a party. Not sure what to even to think today. I miss you so much lately. I feel like the last 4 years of being "strong" is catching up to me. Sometimes I feel guilty for missing you so much because I'm the rock for so many others so I can't be falling apart. I just need you to know that no matter how many days go by that I dont cry or I stay strong, I am still missing you everyday. I will love you forever.
Love,
mom
My Dear Jonathan
Showing posts with label letters to jonathan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label letters to jonathan. Show all posts
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Dear Jonathan
Dear Jonathan,
Today seems to be a day of memories for me. I have been thinking about you all day and as much as I try to remember happy times I still miss you tremendously. I feel the need to ask the question why today? Although I never do and I know there is no answer. I'm not sure why today is any different than any other day but for whatever reason today has become a difficult one. maybe its because the anniversary of your death is right around the corner or maybe its just because I haven't really let myself truly miss you lately. Whatever the reason, today is going to be long and tough. I miss you so much today that I could probably just sleep the day away. But knowing that is not good for me to do, I wont. I love you Jonathan and I can't wait for the day that I get to hold you tight.
Love,
Mom
Today seems to be a day of memories for me. I have been thinking about you all day and as much as I try to remember happy times I still miss you tremendously. I feel the need to ask the question why today? Although I never do and I know there is no answer. I'm not sure why today is any different than any other day but for whatever reason today has become a difficult one. maybe its because the anniversary of your death is right around the corner or maybe its just because I haven't really let myself truly miss you lately. Whatever the reason, today is going to be long and tough. I miss you so much today that I could probably just sleep the day away. But knowing that is not good for me to do, I wont. I love you Jonathan and I can't wait for the day that I get to hold you tight.
Love,
Mom
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Dear Jonathan
Dear Jonathan, It will be three years in four days that you have been gone and I'm trying to think of good memories instead of the bad. Here is one of those memories that I have. You wrestling with Bridget, Derek and Jessica. The three of you were so silly that day. As I look at this picture I wonder why you weren't helping your brother, he was being beat up by two girls and you are tickling his feet!! LOL That was so you! You were always doing just the opposite of what you should be doing. I loved watching you guys wrestle and play together. No matter how old the girls got they always played with you two. Now that says alot for those girls because you know how they are. :) I would like to tell everyone that you and your brother won that wrestling match but if I remember it right you and Derek got beat by girls. I really miss these days. I would do anything to be able to watch the four of you wrestle one more time. To watch you and Derek finally win would be great. I know that you are having a blast in Heaven but we really miss you down here on earth. So until the day we meet again please watch over these three and keep them safe from harm and always let them know you are there. We miss you and love you. Love, Mom
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Dear Jonathan, Today is April 2 and your niece Breanna Lynn Sophia is here. She was born on March 28 at 9:28 am. She is beautiful and Bridget is a great mommy to her. Breanna looks just like you, Derek and Bridget when you were babies. We so wish you were here to meet her but since you aren't I am asking you to watch over her and be her personal guardian angel like you are for us. I know that you are here in your own way and I'm sure that you have met her in your own way. You loved babies so much, you would have made a great uncle. She would of adored you as she does Derek. I remember the last baby you held was Tytin and you were so amazed by how little he was. Babies loved you to. We love you and miss you Jonathan. Love, Mom
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Dear Jonathan
Dear Jonathan,
This morning after I dropped Bridget and Derek off at school I went through the cemetary
. I know its been a while, I'm sorry. I just cant seem to make it a regular thing that I do. It hurts to much, I guess because it makes your death "real". Anyway this is not why I'm writing. I'm sure you already know but your big sister is about to have a baby and I need for you to watch over her, to make sure her and princess Breanna are safe, healthy and happy. Yes I said Breanna! I know you are just tickled pink about that. Dad actually picked out the name and Bridget fell in love with it. Dad asks everyday if its still the same. Bridget has changed it a few times but I think she will stick with it. Bridget has been doing great through out her pregnancy but I think when she has Breanna things are gonna get a little tough for her and I would like for you to keep an eye on her and make sure she knows she can do this. She is young and has a long road ahead of her and has a great support system but I just need a little help from you to help remind her of this often. I am very proud of the way Bridget has taken on this responsibility and I think she realizes what a blessing Breanna is.
Derek, well hes another story. Your brother is growing up so fast. One minute hes a child and the next hes a young man. He says and does so many things that make me wonder if you are constantly with him. He has so many words of wisdom , as if hes seen something I haven't. I do believe he has and I think it is you. Thank you son for being such a great brother and guardian angel to your brother and sister. They love you and miss you. We all love and miss you.
Love,
Mom
This morning after I dropped Bridget and Derek off at school I went through the cemetary
. I know its been a while, I'm sorry. I just cant seem to make it a regular thing that I do. It hurts to much, I guess because it makes your death "real". Anyway this is not why I'm writing. I'm sure you already know but your big sister is about to have a baby and I need for you to watch over her, to make sure her and princess Breanna are safe, healthy and happy. Yes I said Breanna! I know you are just tickled pink about that. Dad actually picked out the name and Bridget fell in love with it. Dad asks everyday if its still the same. Bridget has changed it a few times but I think she will stick with it. Bridget has been doing great through out her pregnancy but I think when she has Breanna things are gonna get a little tough for her and I would like for you to keep an eye on her and make sure she knows she can do this. She is young and has a long road ahead of her and has a great support system but I just need a little help from you to help remind her of this often. I am very proud of the way Bridget has taken on this responsibility and I think she realizes what a blessing Breanna is.
Derek, well hes another story. Your brother is growing up so fast. One minute hes a child and the next hes a young man. He says and does so many things that make me wonder if you are constantly with him. He has so many words of wisdom , as if hes seen something I haven't. I do believe he has and I think it is you. Thank you son for being such a great brother and guardian angel to your brother and sister. They love you and miss you. We all love and miss you.
Love,
Mom
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Dear Jonathan,
It is the day after your funeral and I am a mess. I miss you so much right now that I cant even take a breath without shedding a tear. Once again I woke up saying Im not going, if I dont go I dont have to say goodbye. If I dont go then I dont have to touch you and see you for the last time. It isnt fair.
Even though there were so many people, 500 to be exact, at the funeral to pay thier respects and support us it seemed like we were all alone. Me, dad, Bridget and Derek we were alone. I geuss I felt this way because we were alone, no one was feeling the pain that we were. As I sat there in the front near you and listened to all the nice things everyone had to say about you all I could think of was yelling out please stop. I didnt want to hear anymore becuase all it ment was they were speaking of you in a past tense and I was not ready to have a future without you. None of us were.There was a photo slide show of you and the whole time it played there wasnt a dry eye in the church. It was horrible listening to everyone cry, listening to myself cry. I wasnt suppose to be looking at a slide show I was suppose to be playing out side with you, watching you play video games, listening to you talk about Breana and how she was gonna marry you some day.
I was so mad. I wasnt even upset at this point I was mad, really mad. I couldnt understand what was going on. Pastor Doug did a great job and everyone who had something to say about you had such kind words but it didnt make the anger go away. I sat there pretending like I was handling it. But what everyone didnt know was that inside I was dead. I needed to pick you up and carry you out of there. I asked dad if I could pick you up and just hold you until I was ready to let go, if I could carry you off to another room to be with you. Needless to say dad looked at me with so many tears in his eyes and said "if it helps you". I didnt. Who would? I would of looked like a crazy woman.
I cried a lot through out the funeral service, many times but when every one started to come through the line hugging and saying Im sorry I lost it a few times. I was so tired of hugging and so tired of hearing Im sorry. I know they mean well and I have doen the same thing they did many times because you dont know what else to do. But yesterday I didnt care about any one but dad, Bridget and Derek. I just wanted someone to pinch me so I could wake up from this horrible nightmare.No one did and here I am writing all about it.
I love and miss you so much and I will write everyday.
Love,
Mom
It is the day after your funeral and I am a mess. I miss you so much right now that I cant even take a breath without shedding a tear. Once again I woke up saying Im not going, if I dont go I dont have to say goodbye. If I dont go then I dont have to touch you and see you for the last time. It isnt fair.
Even though there were so many people, 500 to be exact, at the funeral to pay thier respects and support us it seemed like we were all alone. Me, dad, Bridget and Derek we were alone. I geuss I felt this way because we were alone, no one was feeling the pain that we were. As I sat there in the front near you and listened to all the nice things everyone had to say about you all I could think of was yelling out please stop. I didnt want to hear anymore becuase all it ment was they were speaking of you in a past tense and I was not ready to have a future without you. None of us were.There was a photo slide show of you and the whole time it played there wasnt a dry eye in the church. It was horrible listening to everyone cry, listening to myself cry. I wasnt suppose to be looking at a slide show I was suppose to be playing out side with you, watching you play video games, listening to you talk about Breana and how she was gonna marry you some day.
I was so mad. I wasnt even upset at this point I was mad, really mad. I couldnt understand what was going on. Pastor Doug did a great job and everyone who had something to say about you had such kind words but it didnt make the anger go away. I sat there pretending like I was handling it. But what everyone didnt know was that inside I was dead. I needed to pick you up and carry you out of there. I asked dad if I could pick you up and just hold you until I was ready to let go, if I could carry you off to another room to be with you. Needless to say dad looked at me with so many tears in his eyes and said "if it helps you". I didnt. Who would? I would of looked like a crazy woman.
I cried a lot through out the funeral service, many times but when every one started to come through the line hugging and saying Im sorry I lost it a few times. I was so tired of hugging and so tired of hearing Im sorry. I know they mean well and I have doen the same thing they did many times because you dont know what else to do. But yesterday I didnt care about any one but dad, Bridget and Derek. I just wanted someone to pinch me so I could wake up from this horrible nightmare.No one did and here I am writing all about it.
I love and miss you so much and I will write everyday.
Love,
Mom
Dear Jonathan,
Dear Jonathan,
I know you were with us all day today so you saw what we did but I am still in disbelief. I knew that you were loved but wow. There were nearly 400 people at your viewing. So many children were there and everyone of them were there becuase you were their friend in some way shape or form. When we walked in I couldnt believe all the flowers, cards and other things people sent to pay their respects.
When we got their your dad and I were told that we should sit next to you so that everyone could walk through and pay their respects to us. Well needless to say your dad sat their 90% of the time but I just couldnt. I had to get up and walk and talk. Sitting next to your casket was not something I ever wanted to do, ever. I think dad just couldnt move or else he would have. Bridget and Derek had so many friends and teachers that were there for them today. How is it that such young people can touch so many? I was very proud of them today, they coped very well. Derek walked with a lot of his friends up to see you as did Bridget because they wanted to be there for there friends. How selfless was that? They were not just thinking about themselves when most only think of themselves at a time like this. You should be proud of them.
When I woke up I didnt want to go but at the same time I couldnt wait to go because today was gonna be one of the last times I got to touch you. And I know that you knew I was there and that I was holding your hand, I just know it. As your dad and I sat there waiting patiently for the night to come to an end, Mrs. Swineford, one of your teachers, gave us something a comfort cross. We put half of it in your hand and I carry the other half with always. It makes me feel closer to you. I will never let it go, ever.
Today was very hard but tomorrow is going to be horrific. I am not ready for this Jonathan, I am not ready to say goodbye forever.
Love Ya,
Mom
I know you were with us all day today so you saw what we did but I am still in disbelief. I knew that you were loved but wow. There were nearly 400 people at your viewing. So many children were there and everyone of them were there becuase you were their friend in some way shape or form. When we walked in I couldnt believe all the flowers, cards and other things people sent to pay their respects.
When we got their your dad and I were told that we should sit next to you so that everyone could walk through and pay their respects to us. Well needless to say your dad sat their 90% of the time but I just couldnt. I had to get up and walk and talk. Sitting next to your casket was not something I ever wanted to do, ever. I think dad just couldnt move or else he would have. Bridget and Derek had so many friends and teachers that were there for them today. How is it that such young people can touch so many? I was very proud of them today, they coped very well. Derek walked with a lot of his friends up to see you as did Bridget because they wanted to be there for there friends. How selfless was that? They were not just thinking about themselves when most only think of themselves at a time like this. You should be proud of them.
When I woke up I didnt want to go but at the same time I couldnt wait to go because today was gonna be one of the last times I got to touch you. And I know that you knew I was there and that I was holding your hand, I just know it. As your dad and I sat there waiting patiently for the night to come to an end, Mrs. Swineford, one of your teachers, gave us something a comfort cross. We put half of it in your hand and I carry the other half with always. It makes me feel closer to you. I will never let it go, ever.
Today was very hard but tomorrow is going to be horrific. I am not ready for this Jonathan, I am not ready to say goodbye forever.
Love Ya,
Mom
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Dear Jonathan
Dear Jonathan,
Today was one of those days where all I could do was think about you and because I was missing you so much it was making me angry.I know that Im always gonna miss you but Im hoping that Im not always gonna be angry. I have finally started grief counseling and it helps but I have a long way to go. It is wierd because for so long now I have said I dont want to talk and as soon as I got in there thats all I could do is talk. I dont know what every session is gonna bring but what I do know is that I finally can say out loud how I feel.Sometimes I wonder if I just scream really loud would it help? After you died I went to see pastor doug and I said that to him. His response was "well scream." I geuss I just dont want anyone to look at me wierd when they hear me scream for no appearent reason. But you know what Im going to do tomorrow, Im going to head out into a field somewhere and just scream. Maybe it will help, maybe it wont but either way it will feel good for the moment.
I love you and miss you so much Jonathan. I can not wait for the day that we get to see each other again. When I finally do get to hold you in my arms again Im never gonan let you go.
Love,
Mom
Today was one of those days where all I could do was think about you and because I was missing you so much it was making me angry.I know that Im always gonna miss you but Im hoping that Im not always gonna be angry. I have finally started grief counseling and it helps but I have a long way to go. It is wierd because for so long now I have said I dont want to talk and as soon as I got in there thats all I could do is talk. I dont know what every session is gonna bring but what I do know is that I finally can say out loud how I feel.Sometimes I wonder if I just scream really loud would it help? After you died I went to see pastor doug and I said that to him. His response was "well scream." I geuss I just dont want anyone to look at me wierd when they hear me scream for no appearent reason. But you know what Im going to do tomorrow, Im going to head out into a field somewhere and just scream. Maybe it will help, maybe it wont but either way it will feel good for the moment.
I love you and miss you so much Jonathan. I can not wait for the day that we get to see each other again. When I finally do get to hold you in my arms again Im never gonan let you go.
Love,
Mom
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Dear Jonathan,
As I stood over your hospital bed today all I wanted to do was pick you up and bring you home. Your dad and I sat beside you praying and hoping that what we were seeing was a nightmare. But no one ever woke me up. I watched you struggle for hours trying to hold on. No matter how hard I prayed you never opened your eyes. It was like watching a hooror movie the only thing was it was real. It was our own horror movie come to life.
There were so many nurses and doctors. No one knew what to do for you and we could see that in their faces.You had so many machines hooked up to you. This definatly isnt a site I ever wanted to see. I just didnt know what to to say or do except please dont go, please dont leave us, we love you, need you and will miss you.
love,
mom
As I stood over your hospital bed today all I wanted to do was pick you up and bring you home. Your dad and I sat beside you praying and hoping that what we were seeing was a nightmare. But no one ever woke me up. I watched you struggle for hours trying to hold on. No matter how hard I prayed you never opened your eyes. It was like watching a hooror movie the only thing was it was real. It was our own horror movie come to life.
There were so many nurses and doctors. No one knew what to do for you and we could see that in their faces.You had so many machines hooked up to you. This definatly isnt a site I ever wanted to see. I just didnt know what to to say or do except please dont go, please dont leave us, we love you, need you and will miss you.
love,
mom
Saturday, April 17, 2010
dear jonathan
Dear Jonathan,
I woke up this morning wondering what would we do in memory of you. We had no plans and wasnt sure if we would. I also woke up with a smile. The smile came from all your great friends. They are the most wonderful young people I have ever met. You would be proud of them. As the day went on it became obvious that there would be no big plans and that we would just keep your memory going in our minds and heart. I mean what a better place to keep it right? We didnt need to do anytihng extravigant to remember you on this day becuase you are not forgettable. We did visit your grave and it was the first time I have been there and not cried. At first I thought I should be crying but then I thought why? I mean yeah I miss you and wish you were here but how could I cry when you are in the most fabulous place there is to be. Thats what I thought of today. Where you are and where we are. Im not ready to leave this world but when I am I know that Im going to the most beautiful place there is to go. I will get to be with you again and I will get walk side by side with the one man who makes everything better. I miss you Jonathan and I love you so on this day and everyday from know on I will remember you in good thoughts and not on the day you left us.See you soon!
love
Mom
4/16/10
I woke up this morning wondering what would we do in memory of you. We had no plans and wasnt sure if we would. I also woke up with a smile. The smile came from all your great friends. They are the most wonderful young people I have ever met. You would be proud of them. As the day went on it became obvious that there would be no big plans and that we would just keep your memory going in our minds and heart. I mean what a better place to keep it right? We didnt need to do anytihng extravigant to remember you on this day becuase you are not forgettable. We did visit your grave and it was the first time I have been there and not cried. At first I thought I should be crying but then I thought why? I mean yeah I miss you and wish you were here but how could I cry when you are in the most fabulous place there is to be. Thats what I thought of today. Where you are and where we are. Im not ready to leave this world but when I am I know that Im going to the most beautiful place there is to go. I will get to be with you again and I will get walk side by side with the one man who makes everything better. I miss you Jonathan and I love you so on this day and everyday from know on I will remember you in good thoughts and not on the day you left us.See you soon!
love
Mom
4/16/10
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Dear Jonathan,
Today is the day it all begin 2 years ago. At 6:30 this evening I will start to relive the tragic days to come all over again. I cant believe that once someone passes on we are left to remember it year after year. I know I should be remember only the good stuff but that is so hard to do when somethin so horrible has happened.Im not sure how to get the memories of the worst time of my life out of my head. I do have good days where I dont think about the bad stuff but they dont come as often as I would like. The good memories I have you are what keeps me going. Im gonna go I will write later....becuase all Im doing is tearing up and I dont want to cry right now.
love you,
mom
4/15/10
Today is the day it all begin 2 years ago. At 6:30 this evening I will start to relive the tragic days to come all over again. I cant believe that once someone passes on we are left to remember it year after year. I know I should be remember only the good stuff but that is so hard to do when somethin so horrible has happened.Im not sure how to get the memories of the worst time of my life out of my head. I do have good days where I dont think about the bad stuff but they dont come as often as I would like. The good memories I have you are what keeps me going. Im gonna go I will write later....becuase all Im doing is tearing up and I dont want to cry right now.
love you,
mom
4/15/10
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Dear Jonathan
Today is a sad day. It has only been a week since you have been gone and it feels like I havent seen you in years. But at the same time you are so vivid in my mind. Im still not understanding all of this. Im still not understanding why? I keep hearing people tell me I never will, but what do they know. No one who says that to me has never been where I am. Im trying really hard to hold my self together and Im not sure how long I can do it. Why? Why did he take you from me? From us? I cant handle not knowing thats the worst feeling. Im going to go for now I will write later.
Love you,
Mom
April 23 2008
I will be posting most of my letters to jonathan also.
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