How is it that one day I'm fine and the next I'm walking around like a zombie? I seriously cant handle the mood swings that come a week before and a week after. I don't know how I have managed to do this for three years. No one should ever have to do this. I miss my son so much that the pain is sharpening by the hour. ...................and as I just typed that last sentence I looked down at the clock and now know why it is. The horror that I know have to relive every year will begin in one hour.

Dear Jonathan

Dear Jonathan, It will be three years in four days that you have been gone and I'm trying to think of good memories instead of the bad. Here is one of those memories that I have. You wrestling with Bridget, Derek and Jessica. The three of you were so silly that day. As I look at this picture I wonder why you weren't helping your brother, he was being beat up by two girls and you are tickling his feet!! LOL That was so you! You were always doing just the opposite of what you should be doing. I loved watching you guys wrestle and play together. No matter how old the girls got they always played with you two. Now that says alot for those girls because you know how they are. :) I would like to tell everyone that you and your brother won that wrestling match but if I remember it right you and Derek got beat by girls. I really miss these days. I would do anything to be able to watch the four of you wrestle one more time. To watch you and Derek finally win would be great. I know that you are having a blast in Heaven but we really miss you down here on earth. So until the day we meet again please watch over these three and keep them safe from harm and always let them know you are there. We miss you and love you. Love, Mom

How to help

As the anniversary of Jonathan's death approaches I find myself thinking about all of my family and friends and how they so wanted to help after he died. For whatever reason they couldn't, didn't know how, or I wouldn't let them. I would like to share what I have learned since then. When Jonathan died there were so many family, friends, and teachers at the hospital that were there to support us and as far as I am concerned it helped me. They helped me keep my sanity. When we finally made it home so many more came to the house for the next few days. We had so much support from family and friends and years later I now see how great it was but at the time all I wanted was for everyone to leave. Some were cleaning my house, others were bringing in food, Derek and Bridget's friends were there keeping them busy, some were sitting at my kitchen table just talking and remembering. All of these things were things that at the time I thought I didn't need, and that all I needed was Jonathan and nothing anyone did or said would bring him back so why even bother. It has now been three years and I feel completely different. I have come to realize that supporting someone whose child who has just died is difficult for anyone to contemplate. Because the loss of a child is so taboo and gigantic we have very few words of comfort. The one thing that so many said to me and still do is "I'm sorry", I hated and still hate that comment. Why? Because what are you sorry for? Unless you took him from me you shouldn't be sorry. I know that seems so harsh but it is the way I feel. Some things that we say actually hinder instead of help. Many people will say 'I know how you feel" luckily that wasn't something that I had to ever hear. Because unless you have lost a child you will never know how I feel. After having years to think about the support that we had I now look back and thank God we had all the support. Right down to the person who mopped my floor. There were a few, I think. For those of you who don't know what to do for someone who is grieving, no matter who its for, here's a little advice...just be there!! Don't ask the grieving person what you can do , just do it and do it quietly. Here is a list of somethings that the grieving don't always remember to do and if you as the support person want to help you can. 1. clean the house 2.mow the grass or plow the drive 3.if there are little ones, keep them occupied 4.bring meals 5.offer to call anyone who hasn't heard about the death 6.do laundry 7.offer to just sit with them and say nothing After the funeral everyone seems to disappear. As if the person who has died has taken everyone with them. Don't be one of those friends who forgets about the grieving person because the funeral is over and we all must go on with our lives now. For a person who is grieving especially someone who has lost a child that isn't easy. 1.taxi the other children 2.help sort the child's belongings 3.continue calling and visiting, but never show with out calling first 4.invite the grieving to go on short outings 5.hug the grieving 6.listen and don't judge, especially with grieving parents because there is often guilt associated with a child's death so the parent will need that non judgemental friend. 7.let the grieving talk about that person who has left their lives, if you try to distract them the end result of your friendship could be just that, the end! I hope that what I have gone through and have learned will help someone else.

Dear Jonathan, Today is April 2 and your niece Breanna Lynn Sophia is here. She was born on March 28 at 9:28 am. She is beautiful and Bridget is a great mommy to her. Breanna looks just like you, Derek and Bridget when you were babies. We so wish you were here to meet her but since you aren't I am asking you to watch over her and be her personal guardian angel like you are for us. I know that you are here in your own way and I'm sure that you have met her in your own way. You loved babies so much, you would have made a great uncle. She would of adored you as she does Derek. I remember the last baby you held was Tytin and you were so amazed by how little he was. Babies loved you to. We love you and miss you Jonathan. Love, Mom