Dear God

Dear God,
I'm having a pretty difficult time today. I'm missing Jonathan so much that I find myself wanting to ask the question why. I never ask that, knowing I'm not to question why you do what you do and because I know I will not get the answer. With that said, I've asked anyway. This morning I was in church and found myself asking while I was there. As the service went on I also think I found somewhat of an answer and maybe I didn't but I sure was comforted somewhat. As pastor doug spoke I listened very carefully and actually smiled during one point because I felt as if you put your hand on my shoulder and said "now do you understand". The answer to that is yes I believe I do. Thank you God for making the pain of missing Jonathan today a little less painful. Knowing you had a plan and that plan is working makes my pain seem bearable now. Thank you God!!

Dear Jonathan

Dear Jonathan,
Today seems to be a day of memories for me. I have been thinking about you all day and as much as I try to remember happy times I still miss you tremendously. I feel the need to ask the question why today? Although I never do and I know there is no answer. I'm not sure why today is any different than any other day but for whatever reason today has become a difficult one. maybe its because the anniversary of your death is right around the corner or maybe its just because I haven't really let myself truly miss you lately. Whatever the reason, today is going to be long and tough. I miss you so much today that I could probably just sleep the day away. But knowing that is not good for me to do, I wont. I love you Jonathan and I can't wait for the day that I get to hold you tight.
Love,
Mom

Giving up is not an option

I could have laid down and not got back up, I could of cried and asked why all day long but where would that have gotten me? I'm able to go through life with joy, happiness, love and faith because I didn't lay down because I chose to kick the master of defeat in the teeth. Not everyone understand how I've been able to move on and what I tell those is summed up in one word....God! Of course my family has been a huge part of why I move on but lets be honest I wouldn't have them if it weren't for God either. I'm not saying i wasn't sad or that I wasn't depressed for a minute because that would mean I had no emotion. I was sad, still am just not depressed. I'll always be sad because I love him and miss him but the joy that I feel for the day that I will get to hold him again over powers the sadness. We as humans have things happen to us in our lives that we dont very fair, and as those things happen to us we have two choices. The first is to let our pain overcome us, to let the master of defeat win. But since we cant change the past by dwelling on the past and giving up why do it? Our second choice is a much more appealing one. Get up and move on! Dont dwell on what you cant change. God has a plan for everyone and doesnt want us to question why he does what he does. So dont! Instead tell yourself you are going to trust in God and have faith that although you dont understand why He has chosen such a path for you He does. I'm not saying turn into a zombie and walk on this earth like you dont have a care in the world, but what I am saying is dont your emotions become you. I know a few people who have not only felt grief but who have become the poster child for it. I'm not strong because i was born that way, Im strong because I chose to be!

Dear Jonathan

Dear Jonathan,
It's only been a week since you have left us and it already feels like a lifetime. No matter how many times I tell myself things will get better I get hit in the heart with reality, beecause right at that moment your dad, sister and or brother walks in the door to remind me of the pain I will stare at everyday. It's a week later and Derek and Bridget have decided they want to go back to school. That it's time. I agree but at the same time I want them here with me. I want to keep my eye on them and my arms around them at all times. It would mean the world to me if you could keep your eye on them and your arms around them when I'm not there. I know you will keep them safe. As much as I want you here I know that we couldn't have asked for a better guardian angel then you. I love you Jonathan and will miss you forever. See ya soon!

......

What do you do when that wall you have put up has been brought down? What do you do when you no longer have all the answers or atleast think you do? Right now would be the first time in almost 4 years that I have questions, that I have over flowing emotions, that no wall can hold back. Yes I know these things are normal,but they aren't normal for me. I don't question much because I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason...good and bad. We are not to question God and why he does the things He does. Although my faith in God has not been broken my confidence in what I thought I didn't need to know has. How do I get that back? Being strong is what I am and being that rock for so many others is what I do. I have no time in my life for weakness. I have no time in my life for questions.I can tell you from the bottom of my heart I don't like this, I do not like being weak,even if it's for a split second.

Blogging Again

It's been a long time since I've blogged but I'm back and ready to write again. Here it is almost Christmas. Another one without Jonathan. This will be our fourth Christmas with out him. Every year since he passed I've bought an ornament in memory of him and this year it's the letter J. Although I think it's a fitting ornament so far I haven't found that one that just sticks out and melts my heart. Not sure that I ever will because of course the only right one would be the one he made and that stopped 4 Christmas's ago. I did hang up a stocking for him this year, which is the first time I've ever done that. I'm not sure if it's because I'm nuts or if it's just because!!!

After three years when someone asks me how many children I have I say three. Never had a problem telling anyone that I have a child who has passed. Until two days ago. I was asked how many children I have and I said two. I didn't even mention jonathan. Not once. I feel like complete crap for doing that. I feel like Jonathan thinks I have forgotten him. But I haven't, I just felt like I didn't really want to go thought the whole story. We were having a good day and my kids were happy and having fun. Why would I turn it into a sad day?
Here I am defending myself and I don't know why. In three years I havent had any guilt or felt like I needed to explain anything but why now? I'm sorry Jonathan, I will never make that mistake again. I miss you and will never forget you.