Suicide and children

Do you ever wonder if your child is strong enough to handle the life as a student in elementary or high school? Do you ever think about what your child would do if they aren't strong enough? What about suicide, do you ever wonder if your child knows enough to commit such an act? Well I didn't. Why would I? I never in a million years thought that my child wouldn't be able to handle the life as a child. Maybe because after his death I came to the realization that the things children have to go through in school are not in most cases ok. I wont go into the details of all the things that happen in our schools that make our children feel weak and helpless, I'm sure you watch the news. The subject of this blog is about how we as parents think that our children are children and have no worries. We are wrong!! Not only do they have worries they also have minds that wonder how they can get rid of these worries. No matter how much we want to believe that our children have never thought of suicide much less how they will do it, they have. Life is happening all around them and everyday on the news, on the Internet, and in the papers our children our hearing and reading about someone somewhere who is committing suicide.As sad as it is and as much as we don't want to think about it there are more children then we think wondering if things would be easier on them if they just weren't here. My suggestion to every parent out there is to be aware, be aware of your child's friends and enemies. Don't brush their silence or their acting out off as your child being a child. Look into the situation at hand and if you're not satisfied with the answers you receive, don't let it go.

Answers come in odd ways

Today I started my day by asking the question why and as I have said in the past I try my best not to do that especially when it comes to Jonathan's death. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and God has a plan for all of us and we are not to question His plan. But today that just didn't sit well with me, then I went to church and everything changed. I sat in church listening very carefully to what pastor Doug was preaching and at one point I felt as if someone put there hand on my shoulder and said "now do you see".

When we were planning Jonathan's funeral we decided that the funeral home wasn't going to be big enough that we needed to find somewhere to have the funeral. My sister in law came to us and suggested that we ask to use The Alliance Church in New London. We did not attend that church nor any other church for that matter so we weren't sure what the outcome would be. My sister in law set up a meeting with the pastor of the church and he came to our house to meet us. When pastor Doug arrived at our home I knew right away that he was going to deliver the perfect service for Jonathan's funeral, before he even started to talk. My husband and I did not know him but our children did. He was also a substitute teacher at the school. He delivered the words of Jonathan's life to those that attended the funeral in a way that they would never forget him. After the the funeral was over and time had passed I attended the church a few times but because I cried every time I walked in there I stopped going. Well at least that's what I told my self.

I few months ago I decided to start going again. I came to the conclusion that although I may cry I needed to go. I needed to get my life on track. Before Jonathan's death I never thought much about church or the life God wanted me to live. I always believed in God and always thought I was a good person but never claimed to be a christian. After attending church and deciding to let God take over I can now say I am a christian and nothing makes me happier. While listening to pastor Doug today in church I finally understood what I believe is the reason pastor Doug came into my life and just maybe why Jonathan was taken from me so early. My life was not anywhere near where it needed to be when he died but because he died pastor Doug was brought into my life and because he was I am now able to say that if it weren't for pastor Doug's words and teaching I would not be following the Lord. Pastor Doug has been someone who I have been able to go to for many reasons but the most important is the one where he helped me see the life I want to live in order to see Jesus and my son. I am very grateful to God for bringing such a great teacher into my life because had he not I have no idea where my life would be. I know that God put pastor Doug in my life and I thank Him but I cant help but to thank pastor Doug also. He has taught me so much about why life with God on my side is the only way to live. I hope everyone has the opportunity to have someone so great to teach them the way of the Lord.

Dear God

Dear God,
I'm having a pretty difficult time today. I'm missing Jonathan so much that I find myself wanting to ask the question why. I never ask that, knowing I'm not to question why you do what you do and because I know I will not get the answer. With that said, I've asked anyway. This morning I was in church and found myself asking while I was there. As the service went on I also think I found somewhat of an answer and maybe I didn't but I sure was comforted somewhat. As pastor doug spoke I listened very carefully and actually smiled during one point because I felt as if you put your hand on my shoulder and said "now do you understand". The answer to that is yes I believe I do. Thank you God for making the pain of missing Jonathan today a little less painful. Knowing you had a plan and that plan is working makes my pain seem bearable now. Thank you God!!

Dear Jonathan

Dear Jonathan,
Today seems to be a day of memories for me. I have been thinking about you all day and as much as I try to remember happy times I still miss you tremendously. I feel the need to ask the question why today? Although I never do and I know there is no answer. I'm not sure why today is any different than any other day but for whatever reason today has become a difficult one. maybe its because the anniversary of your death is right around the corner or maybe its just because I haven't really let myself truly miss you lately. Whatever the reason, today is going to be long and tough. I miss you so much today that I could probably just sleep the day away. But knowing that is not good for me to do, I wont. I love you Jonathan and I can't wait for the day that I get to hold you tight.
Love,
Mom

Giving up is not an option

I could have laid down and not got back up, I could of cried and asked why all day long but where would that have gotten me? I'm able to go through life with joy, happiness, love and faith because I didn't lay down because I chose to kick the master of defeat in the teeth. Not everyone understand how I've been able to move on and what I tell those is summed up in one word....God! Of course my family has been a huge part of why I move on but lets be honest I wouldn't have them if it weren't for God either. I'm not saying i wasn't sad or that I wasn't depressed for a minute because that would mean I had no emotion. I was sad, still am just not depressed. I'll always be sad because I love him and miss him but the joy that I feel for the day that I will get to hold him again over powers the sadness. We as humans have things happen to us in our lives that we dont very fair, and as those things happen to us we have two choices. The first is to let our pain overcome us, to let the master of defeat win. But since we cant change the past by dwelling on the past and giving up why do it? Our second choice is a much more appealing one. Get up and move on! Dont dwell on what you cant change. God has a plan for everyone and doesnt want us to question why he does what he does. So dont! Instead tell yourself you are going to trust in God and have faith that although you dont understand why He has chosen such a path for you He does. I'm not saying turn into a zombie and walk on this earth like you dont have a care in the world, but what I am saying is dont your emotions become you. I know a few people who have not only felt grief but who have become the poster child for it. I'm not strong because i was born that way, Im strong because I chose to be!