Dear Jonathan,
Today is Derek's 13th birthday and I know exactly what he wants, the only problem is that I cant give it to him. He wants you here to share it with him. He doesn't show it to often but I know he misses you so much. Derek is actually the only sensible one in the family. He makes so much more sense of all of this than any of the rest of us do. I see so much of you in him. Remember when dad couldn't tell the two of you apart when you were little, I mean from behind?? That was fun because you guys would trick him. Derek is all in to air soft guns now and that is what his party is going to be all about. I know he wishes you were here to play with him and I wish I could grant that wish for him. We love you and miss you so much. Maybe today you could try and find away to wish your brother a Happy Birthday, let him know your there. That would be the greatest gift of all.

Love ya,
Mom

I WANT JONATHAN BACK NOW

I wish I could make everyone understand what I am going through and not because I want anyone to feel my pain but so that I can feel the way I want and be the way I want with out any questions or judgements. Sometimes I just want to say out loud to people " I know that you don't know how I feel and I don't care." Does that sound terrible? Its been two years and I'm still mad so of course I'm gonna seem bitter, because I am. I hear things like "it will get better in time" or "hes better off." These words sometimes just pierce right through me, and then I find myself telling other people these things. Are these things we as humans just automatically say even if we don't mean them?

I get tired of hearing that I should move on and get over it because what I really want to do is go back words and stop it from happening. I miss Jonathan so much that I would do anything to have him here with me. He never should have left this world and I'm madder today than any other day that he did.

I WANT JONATHAN BACK NOW!!!!

Dear Jonathan,

I'm not sure why today I seem to miss you more than any other day but I do. I'm sitting here wondering how can I see you just one more time. Then I wonder if that were possible would that be enough? I have to say no, it wouldn't be. I'm so done asking why and trying to find answers but then I think what now? I mean if I'm done asking questions, what do I do? Does that mean I have forgotten about you if I don't ask why anymore? I just don't know.

I haven't forgotten about you though, I could never forget about you. I had three wonderful children and even though you are not here with us anymore you will always be in my heart and mind. Always and forever.

Love,
Mom

Its been a while

It has been a while since I last blogged. Haven't felt much like talking lately but for some reason I have felt the urge to in the last few days. I don't even know what about. I guess just that I miss Jonathan so much that I want to just say that out loud. His birthday was last month and he would of been 12. I cant believe that I'm not gonna see him grow up, graduate, get married and have a family. That is so hard to even think about. Watching my other children grow up makes me miss Jonathan even more but I am so grateful that I still have them. I smile everyday because of all my children. I'm happy to be able to hold and hug Bridget and Derek and I am blessed to of had what time I did with Jonathan but I still cant get it through my head that he is never coming back.