Dear Jonathan,
It is December 23rd and I'm begining to miss you more and more this Christmas. I keep reminding myself of all the great Christmas memories that we had together but I want just one more. Well maybe many more! I miss getting gifts from you that you find around the house , that already belonged to me, dad , or the kids. I actually miss having to give them back after Christmas to. I miss all of it and you. I just dont know how many Christmas's I a have to go through before it gets easier. I want to be able to buy you things and I want you to be the first one to wake dad and I in the morning like you use to. No matter how early it is! If I could just wake up this Christmas to you standing over me and saying "its Christmas come on get up, lets open gifts, I will get Bridget and Derek up" I would be so happy. I wouldnt ask for another thing ever again. And back to reality I go , because I know this is never gonna happen.

I know that we will get to spend Christmas together again and I can not wait for the day. I dont think that we know what Christmas is really like here on earth but I bet when we gt to Heaven we will find out and will be magical. I can not wait for the Christmas where your gift comes in the form of a hug and another I love you and I cant wait to return that gift. I love you dearly and Merry Christmas

Love,
Mom

I must be crazy

I find myself missing Jonathan a lot lately. I'm guessing its because of the holidays. This will be the third Christmas we have had to spend with out him and it seems to be weighing on my heart heavily. I'm not sure why this year seems to be as if it were the first and I can seem to shake the feeling of not wanting to celebrate. I know that I cant do that to my children who I am very blessed to still have here with me but I just cant seem to get into the spirit. The first Christmas we spent without Jonathan was horrible and the second seemed to be better but for some reason this year is like reliving the first all over again. Why? No matter how much I tell myself things will get easier they don't and frankly I'm tired of telling my self this because I'm only lying to myself. Its gotten to the point where I'm becoming exhausted due to the constant thinking of Jonathan. I'm sure that didn't sound right at all, and the way I mean it is that although I enjoy remembering Jonathan and thinking of him I wish that I could find away to think of him and not be sad about it. I shouldn't be sad when I think of him, I should be thrilled to have such great memories. I want every Christmas and every birthday to be a joyous moment for me and my family but I'm not sure how I'm going to do this. I miss Jonathan so much this year that I am almost tempted to go out buy him a new Xbox game or a new bike because his doesn't work anymore. What in the world am I thinking?

Who am I angry at? and why?

It has been over 2 years and I still don't know what to expect. I'm still going into periods of shock. Not so much denial because I know hes gone, I know hes not coming back, but I'm still very shocked at the fact that children can die. Before Jonathan died I told my self all the time that it could never happen to me, why in the world would I ever say that? Its so weird because people use to say to me all the time, and I guess they still do, that I'm a caring thoughtful person but to be honest with you I have found myself not caring about much of anything these days other than my children. I'm not sure how to even change this.
I'm still angry about Jonathan's death but I don't normally show it. I'm not angry at him or anyone else but I'm angry if that makes any sense at all. Its funny because I sit and think about who it is I'm angry with and I come up with no one. I cant blame Jonathan because I don't think he knew what he was doing, I don't blame myself or my husband, I definitely don't blame God, and the doctors they did everything they could. So who's fault is this? Who should I be angry at for taking my son away from me?

As I'm writing this I have a thought and I don't think Ill be able to blog about that thought. I think I just got my answer.

Dear Jonathan

Dear Jonathan,
This morning after I dropped Bridget and Derek off at school I went through the cemetary
. I know its been a while, I'm sorry. I just cant seem to make it a regular thing that I do. It hurts to much, I guess because it makes your death "real". Anyway this is not why I'm writing. I'm sure you already know but your big sister is about to have a baby and I need for you to watch over her, to make sure her and princess Breanna are safe, healthy and happy. Yes I said Breanna! I know you are just tickled pink about that. Dad actually picked out the name and Bridget fell in love with it. Dad asks everyday if its still the same. Bridget has changed it a few times but I think she will stick with it. Bridget has been doing great through out her pregnancy but I think when she has Breanna things are gonna get a little tough for her and I would like for you to keep an eye on her and make sure she knows she can do this. She is young and has a long road ahead of her and has a great support system but I just need a little help from you to help remind her of this often. I am very proud of the way Bridget has taken on this responsibility and I think she realizes what a blessing Breanna is.
Derek, well hes another story. Your brother is growing up so fast. One minute hes a child and the next hes a young man. He says and does so many things that make me wonder if you are constantly with him. He has so many words of wisdom , as if hes seen something I haven't. I do believe he has and I think it is you. Thank you son for being such a great brother and guardian angel to your brother and sister. They love you and miss you. We all love and miss you.

Love,
Mom

What about my prayers?

I know that God answers your prayers in his own way but I cant help but wonder why he cant answer just some of them in the way I want it answered. I pray to God everyday for many reasons, not just for me but for others to and no matter how hard I pray it seems that the pain and suffering of so many keep going on. Why is that? I mean do we really need pain and suffering in our lives to make us see what its all about? Because I can tell you right now that I couldn't handle anymore pain and I know so many others that couldn't either. I tell so many others that all they have to do is have faith that God will take care of us and yet I'm beginning to question it. Why though? Why am i having this set back? I'm not sure how much longer I can hand over my faith before I stop handing it over. I don't want this to happen, I want to be able to keep believing that He will prevail and the pain in my heart will get less and less if not go away go all together.

Dear Jonathan,
Today is Derek's 13th birthday and I know exactly what he wants, the only problem is that I cant give it to him. He wants you here to share it with him. He doesn't show it to often but I know he misses you so much. Derek is actually the only sensible one in the family. He makes so much more sense of all of this than any of the rest of us do. I see so much of you in him. Remember when dad couldn't tell the two of you apart when you were little, I mean from behind?? That was fun because you guys would trick him. Derek is all in to air soft guns now and that is what his party is going to be all about. I know he wishes you were here to play with him and I wish I could grant that wish for him. We love you and miss you so much. Maybe today you could try and find away to wish your brother a Happy Birthday, let him know your there. That would be the greatest gift of all.

Love ya,
Mom

I WANT JONATHAN BACK NOW

I wish I could make everyone understand what I am going through and not because I want anyone to feel my pain but so that I can feel the way I want and be the way I want with out any questions or judgements. Sometimes I just want to say out loud to people " I know that you don't know how I feel and I don't care." Does that sound terrible? Its been two years and I'm still mad so of course I'm gonna seem bitter, because I am. I hear things like "it will get better in time" or "hes better off." These words sometimes just pierce right through me, and then I find myself telling other people these things. Are these things we as humans just automatically say even if we don't mean them?

I get tired of hearing that I should move on and get over it because what I really want to do is go back words and stop it from happening. I miss Jonathan so much that I would do anything to have him here with me. He never should have left this world and I'm madder today than any other day that he did.

I WANT JONATHAN BACK NOW!!!!

Dear Jonathan,

I'm not sure why today I seem to miss you more than any other day but I do. I'm sitting here wondering how can I see you just one more time. Then I wonder if that were possible would that be enough? I have to say no, it wouldn't be. I'm so done asking why and trying to find answers but then I think what now? I mean if I'm done asking questions, what do I do? Does that mean I have forgotten about you if I don't ask why anymore? I just don't know.

I haven't forgotten about you though, I could never forget about you. I had three wonderful children and even though you are not here with us anymore you will always be in my heart and mind. Always and forever.

Love,
Mom

Its been a while

It has been a while since I last blogged. Haven't felt much like talking lately but for some reason I have felt the urge to in the last few days. I don't even know what about. I guess just that I miss Jonathan so much that I want to just say that out loud. His birthday was last month and he would of been 12. I cant believe that I'm not gonna see him grow up, graduate, get married and have a family. That is so hard to even think about. Watching my other children grow up makes me miss Jonathan even more but I am so grateful that I still have them. I smile everyday because of all my children. I'm happy to be able to hold and hug Bridget and Derek and I am blessed to of had what time I did with Jonathan but I still cant get it through my head that he is never coming back.

Anger

"Your Not God", these would be the words that I remember so vividly only because they came right after the doctor said "he isn't going to make it". What? Who are you to make that decision? Those are the questions I asked. The one statement I made was "get in there and do your job, save my son". Well I came to find out that just because you demand it doesn't mean it works. When that doctor said that to me I wanted freak out on him because at that time it seemed so cold, inhumane to say that to a parent. Why couldn't he just say we are doing everything we can. I carried him for 9 months, loved and nurtured him for 9 years so who in the hell are you to tell me when my son is leaving this world. Anger was obviously the first emotion I felt after the fear, but believe me the fear came back.

I'm not sure that I never got over the anger. I'm still angry to this day. I mean how could I not be? I'm not angry at Jonathan, I'm not angry at the doctors, I'm not angry at God, and I m not angry at any family or friends, so who am I angry at? This I don't understand. I have this issue well at least I'm told its an issue, its called self analyzing myself. What I mean by this is I answer my own questions and I tend to come up with my own conclusion on why I think what I think and do what I do. So when the question about why am I still angry and who am I angry at well I almost think I have answered those questions.

Women are always known as the caring nurturing one that doesn't show anger, she shows love. We as women like to soothe pain calm the anger so of course as this whole process was unfolding I was doing just that for my family. I want showing the anger that I felt I was making everyone think that I was OK. Whatever that is. For a mother who has lost a child, the prohibition against anger blocks the most natural as well as the healthiest emotion she can show.This would explain why I'm still angry , I was afraid to show it. my family needed me to be there for them, to be the soother. As far as who I'm angry at, well I can now say I'm sorry to the doctor that said Jonathan wasn't going to make it. He was only being honest and of course at that time I had some displaced anger. I have come to realize that what I am angry at isn't a who its a what. The what being the circle of life. I have been deprived of my son because this is the way it is and there is no other explanation. God says this is it, so it is.

Dear Jonathan,

It is the day after your funeral and I am a mess. I miss you so much right now that I cant even take a breath without shedding a tear. Once again I woke up saying Im not going, if I dont go I dont have to say goodbye. If I dont go then I dont have to touch you and see you for the last time. It isnt fair.

Even though there were so many people, 500 to be exact, at the funeral to pay thier respects and support us it seemed like we were all alone. Me, dad, Bridget and Derek we were alone. I geuss I felt this way because we were alone, no one was feeling the pain that we were. As I sat there in the front near you and listened to all the nice things everyone had to say about you all I could think of was yelling out please stop. I didnt want to hear anymore becuase all it ment was they were speaking of you in a past tense and I was not ready to have a future without you. None of us were.There was a photo slide show of you and the whole time it played there wasnt a dry eye in the church. It was horrible listening to everyone cry, listening to myself cry. I wasnt suppose to be looking at a slide show I was suppose to be playing out side with you, watching you play video games, listening to you talk about Breana and how she was gonna marry you some day.

I was so mad. I wasnt even upset at this point I was mad, really mad. I couldnt understand what was going on. Pastor Doug did a great job and everyone who had something to say about you had such kind words but it didnt make the anger go away. I sat there pretending like I was handling it. But what everyone didnt know was that inside I was dead. I needed to pick you up and carry you out of there. I asked dad if I could pick you up and just hold you until I was ready to let go, if I could carry you off to another room to be with you. Needless to say dad looked at me with so many tears in his eyes and said "if it helps you". I didnt. Who would? I would of looked like a crazy woman.

I cried a lot through out the funeral service, many times but when every one started to come through the line hugging and saying Im sorry I lost it a few times. I was so tired of hugging and so tired of hearing Im sorry. I know they mean well and I have doen the same thing they did many times because you dont know what else to do. But yesterday I didnt care about any one but dad, Bridget and Derek. I just wanted someone to pinch me so I could wake up from this horrible nightmare.No one did and here I am writing all about it.
I love and miss you so much and I will write everyday.

Love,
Mom

Dear Jonathan,

Dear Jonathan,
I know you were with us all day today so you saw what we did but I am still in disbelief. I knew that you were loved but wow. There were nearly 400 people at your viewing. So many children were there and everyone of them were there becuase you were their friend in some way shape or form. When we walked in I couldnt believe all the flowers, cards and other things people sent to pay their respects.

When we got their your dad and I were told that we should sit next to you so that everyone could walk through and pay their respects to us. Well needless to say your dad sat their 90% of the time but I just couldnt. I had to get up and walk and talk. Sitting next to your casket was not something I ever wanted to do, ever. I think dad just couldnt move or else he would have. Bridget and Derek had so many friends and teachers that were there for them today. How is it that such young people can touch so many? I was very proud of them today, they coped very well. Derek walked with a lot of his friends up to see you as did Bridget because they wanted to be there for there friends. How selfless was that? They were not just thinking about themselves when most only think of themselves at a time like this. You should be proud of them.

When I woke up I didnt want to go but at the same time I couldnt wait to go because today was gonna be one of the last times I got to touch you. And I know that you knew I was there and that I was holding your hand, I just know it. As your dad and I sat there waiting patiently for the night to come to an end, Mrs. Swineford, one of your teachers, gave us something a comfort cross. We put half of it in your hand and I carry the other half with always. It makes me feel closer to you. I will never let it go, ever.

Today was very hard but tomorrow is going to be horrific. I am not ready for this Jonathan, I am not ready to say goodbye forever.

Love Ya,
Mom

The pain I feel for others

I had no idea that when I started this blog that I wouldn't be blogging everyday. I honestly thought I had so much to talk about about that I could blog everyday all day long. I have come to find out in the las two weeks that I am not as ready as I thought to talk. Its weird because I do want to talk but I seem to be picking and choosing that things I want to talk about. I have deleted so many blogs in the past few weeks.

Today must be one of those days that I feel like talking. I think its because in the last few weeks I have been reading the papers and watching the news and it all seems to be about children dieing. I cant seem to get my mind off of all these parents that are losing their children. Why? Why do these kids need to go before us? A question I will have to wait for an answer to. First their was the 2 children, brother and sister, who died in Medina County in a car accident, then a young man at my daughters school who died in a motorcycle accident, and the young 13 year old who accidentally hung himself with a chain in Lorain County. I think that is what I read. Of course the last one really hit home and I feel for all the family's but the siblings. Oh my gosh I couldn't imagine losing two of my children at once. Losing one was bad enough. Every time I watched the news and heard this story my heart started to beat really fast and tears just poured down my cheeks. How could God take them both? Why would he make these parents go through this? I asked my self these questions under my breath and out loud until my husband answered and said "why do you keep asking that same question? Knowing your not gonna get an answer why even beat your self up?" All I could say was just because.
going through what I have been through I have a special place in my heart for any parent that has gone through the same. I cant seem to think about my own pain because I'm always worried about others. It would be selfish of me not to. There is always someone out there that needs me to pray for then and think of them. I just wish that it was under better circumstances. I don't even know any of these kids that have went on to Heaven but that doesn't make the pain in my chest any less significant. If I could make the pain that I feel disappear for so many others, that would definitely be on my list of things to do, the number one thing to do. My heart weighs heavy for those who have lost a child and I cant stop the pain.

Today I wake up and I want to write, but I am not sure what about. So I will write about what comes to mind and right now that is how I feel about all the people who disapear from your life after you have lost a child. I always had tons of friends and family before Jonathan died and I thought those same people would always be here for me, no matter what. I have come to find out that isnt always true. Im not sure if these friends, not really the family, understand what friendship is. I mean I still have many friends who care and support me but there are a few that I thought would never leave me alone and with out them. I understand that not everyone can deal with the loss of a child even if the child isnt theirs and I know that some people just dont know what to do for a parent in my situation so they think removing themselves from your life is the best thing to do Healing for them I geuss but Im not sure that is the right thing to do.

My experience has been that those who I counted on didnt want to be there and those that I didnt know before hand or I wasnt close to are the ones that I have grown to count on. When your best friend decides that they cant handle it and makes sure that you know it by not being there, what are you to do? Do you beg and plea for their shoulder and ear? Do you say that is fine I dont need you anyway? or do you do what we did and just drift apart?

Dear God

From the day Jonathan died I started a journal, letters to Jonathan, just journal entries on how im feeling and letters to God.



Dear God,
As you know today is the viewing. Did I really just say viewing, I mean a viewing for my 9 year old baby? Those are among many words that I cant believe I have to say now. I have a few questions for you and althougg I know they wont get answered until I join you and Jonathan I want you to be ready for them when I get there.

First being Why? Why my son? What did he ever do that was so horrible that would make you want to take him away from us? Because I know he wasnt ready to leave this world. I know he wasnt ready to leave us his family and his friends. We are devisated as you can see. This is pain that no one should feel so why do you make us feel this pain? I also know that I am not question you and the things that you do or bring upon us, but I cant help it. I dont know who else to ask. I know that we are all put on Earth to serve a purpose, but what purpose could he have already fullfilled at 9? Being a son, a brother, a friend is that it? Not that , that isnt enough becuase that is more than enough. I wouldnt give up the 9 years I had with him for anything. As much as I miss him and want him back I am very blessed to of had him for the time that I did.
Remember I will have a whole list of questions for you when I join you, but for now I ask that you help me, my husband and my children get through these next few days with lots of love and prayer.

With much love

forgetting

Forgetting? Who does that? Not me, atleast I dont want to. I know that forgetting all the things that surrounded his death I should probley put away some where in my mind. But I cant. That day and the few days to follow were the most horrific days of my life. How do you forget those days? Should I forget those days? Will I ever forget those days? These are just more questions I have that I dont know if I will ever get them answered.

Forgetting means letting go of agaonizing reminders of the time surrounding his death, guilt, shame, and of remorse.This is hard because we as parents, as mothers especially have a deep commitment to our child. Feeling that a huge chunk of my heart and soul has been removed is somrthing I dont think can ever be replaced.Although I want to forget sometimes I feel that if I do that means I would be saying he never exsisted in the first place. If I forget his death will I forget his birth? Which leads me to the next issue I have that I deal with on a daily basis. I dont remember his birth. Does that mean in someway I have already forgotten? As I ask that question I know that I havent forgotten because the day of his death is still so vivid in my mind. That is not the vision I wnat to see all the time. The day he was born would be the ultimate vision. Maybe one day I will remember.

Dear Jonathan

Dear Jonathan,
Today was one of those days where all I could do was think about you and because I was missing you so much it was making me angry.I know that Im always gonna miss you but Im hoping that Im not always gonna be angry. I have finally started grief counseling and it helps but I have a long way to go. It is wierd because for so long now I have said I dont want to talk and as soon as I got in there thats all I could do is talk. I dont know what every session is gonna bring but what I do know is that I finally can say out loud how I feel.Sometimes I wonder if I just scream really loud would it help? After you died I went to see pastor doug and I said that to him. His response was "well scream." I geuss I just dont want anyone to look at me wierd when they hear me scream for no appearent reason. But you know what Im going to do tomorrow, Im going to head out into a field somewhere and just scream. Maybe it will help, maybe it wont but either way it will feel good for the moment.

I love you and miss you so much Jonathan. I can not wait for the day that we get to see each other again. When I finally do get to hold you in my arms again Im never gonan let you go.

Love,
Mom

When the officer arrived at my house it was a sight that I will never forget. When the officer was trying to revive Jonathan I could see in his face that he wasnt going to be able to. He never said that, I dont really remember him saying anything. The EMT's arrived and tubes went in. They asked questions and tried to comfort us and all the while all I coould think about was my children who were sitting in the room with me watching and waiting. My sister, her boyfriend, me , my husband and my children sat in fear. It was time for them to take Jonathan to the hospital, I rode in the ambulance while everyone else followed. At the time I thought this was the longest ride of my life, you will find out later that it was not. Half way to the hospital we had to pull over, we needed to wait for more EMT's, the ones that are like doctors, not sure what they are called. As we are sitting there, the EMT's are doing their best to save my son and I look across the street to see my husband running at me becuase he had no idea why we had stopped. I could see my children through the windows of the car and the fear in their eyes was so heavy that it was almost numbing. I told my husband what we were doing and the next thing I remember hearing is the EMT saying "I have a pulse". At that point I had no idea that hadnt found one before. Of course when she said that I thought just maybe, just maybe he would be ok.
We finally arrived at the hospital and when we got there there were lots of family and friends waiting. They started working on Jonathan right away. What seemed like hours,but were really minutes went by before we got any news. In the mean time my children got to see Jonathan alive ,but what they wouldnt know was the last time. None of us did. The next thing I remember is being told that Jonathan needed to be transferred to a trauma center, by life flight. While waiting for the helicopter the doctor talked to us. The only thing I can remember him saying is that Jonathan wouldnt make it and me screaming at him telling him that he wasnt God so he didnt know what he was talking about. Those are words that you never want to hear. Never! My husabnd decided he would ride with Jonathan and I would ride with family. We sent the kids home with my brother in law in hopes that we would be bringing Jonathan home.This ride was the longest ride I had ever been on. Until later. Knowing that my son was already at the hospital and I had no idea if he was dead or alive. Not knowing was the worst. We finally made it to the hospital only to find more family and friends. I was taken to the waiting room where my husband was sitting and I will tell you walking in and seeing him sit there with so many tears in his eyes that he couldnt even see was so heart wrenching that I couldnt even stand. All he could say was "he cant die, he has to be ok, bridget and derek cant lose their brother, we cant lose our son". Oh wow!! I felt the same way just didnt say it yet. I had seen it in the officers eyes and heard from the doctor, but not my husband to. We sat and waited for the ok to go to his room. When they finally came to get us all the family and friends followed, about 30 or 40 of them so it seemed, but i dont really know how many were there.

As I sat in the waiting room surrounded by lots of family and friends all I could think about was if Jonathan died how was I gonna pay for the funeral, how was I gonna tell his siblings, and how would we move on? I kept going from the room to the waiting room, I couldnt sit still. It wasnt appearent to me then why I did that, but I now know why now. Not only was I worried about everyone else but I think I was afraid I would be in the room when he took his last breath. I didnt want to see that. Well I didn't want to see any of it.

Dear Jonathan,
As I stood over your hospital bed today all I wanted to do was pick you up and bring you home. Your dad and I sat beside you praying and hoping that what we were seeing was a nightmare. But no one ever woke me up. I watched you struggle for hours trying to hold on. No matter how hard I prayed you never opened your eyes. It was like watching a hooror movie the only thing was it was real. It was our own horror movie come to life.
There were so many nurses and doctors. No one knew what to do for you and we could see that in their faces.You had so many machines hooked up to you. This definatly isnt a site I ever wanted to see. I just didnt know what to to say or do except please dont go, please dont leave us, we love you, need you and will miss you.

love,
mom

what i thought i was gonna post

I have to tell you that this was not the post I started with. I wrote a post explaining what happened on the worst day of my life. I almost finished the post when I decided to delete it all. I gues Im not as ready as I thought to tell the world how my Jonathan died. I really thought I was. Writing it wasnt as hard as I thougth it was gonna be but pushing that post button was a lot harder than I thought it was gonna be. There have been people that have asked me what happened and I have told all of them but for some reson I cant tell the whole world at one time.
The visions of that day weigh heavy on my heart and mind and maybe thats why I cant tell the whole world yet, becuase Im afraid of the weight it will then add to it all over again.I will tell you that although I am saddened at what I had to see I am glad that I am the one that did. Not becuase I can handle walking in on my son while dying right before my eyes but because there would be no one else in my family that could have handled what I saw.As difficult as it was for me it would of been a lot more difficult for my children or my husband.

People say Im strong, and others tell me to get over it and move on, I say I move on the best I know how and to those who say Im strong, I am only as strong as Jonathan and God allow me to be.

Day 1

Day 1 is the day that Jonathan Vaughn Holden Kistler came into this world at 8 lbs 9 oz and 21 1/2 inches long. Beautiful dark hair and the smile of an angel!
This is all I remember of the day my son was born. Most of you will be in complete shock to hear that I don't remember the day my son was born and most of you will not understand because I can not explain. I have just recently come to the understanding that it is time for me to start talking about Jonathan and start letting family and friends tell me stories so that my memories can come back to me. I was too embaressed to tell anyone I couldn't remember May 29, 1998 after Jonathan died. I remember everything after that day and until the day he died. But why can't I remember that very special day? The only answer I have been given is that HE is not ready to let me relive that memory. HE is who? Is it GOD or Jonathan? It doesn't realy matter at this point becuase until HE lets me remember I won't.

dear jonathan

Dear Jonathan,

I woke up this morning wondering what would we do in memory of you. We had no plans and wasnt sure if we would. I also woke up with a smile. The smile came from all your great friends. They are the most wonderful young people I have ever met. You would be proud of them. As the day went on it became obvious that there would be no big plans and that we would just keep your memory going in our minds and heart. I mean what a better place to keep it right? We didnt need to do anytihng extravigant to remember you on this day becuase you are not forgettable. We did visit your grave and it was the first time I have been there and not cried. At first I thought I should be crying but then I thought why? I mean yeah I miss you and wish you were here but how could I cry when you are in the most fabulous place there is to be. Thats what I thought of today. Where you are and where we are. Im not ready to leave this world but when I am I know that Im going to the most beautiful place there is to go. I will get to be with you again and I will get walk side by side with the one man who makes everything better. I miss you Jonathan and I love you so on this day and everyday from know on I will remember you in good thoughts and not on the day you left us.See you soon!

love
Mom
4/16/10

the worst day of a parents life

Tuesday April 15, 2008 was supose to be a day like any other and it turned out to be a day like no other. I woke up that day with no worries. I went off to my board meeting, my husbad off to work and my children off to school. Normal day right?
On this day I sat in my meeting wondering and worrying about Jonathan for some reason I could not get him off of my mind. I think about all of my children often of course but on this particular day Jonathan was weighing on my mind heavily. Maybe because he had been having some trouble with friends and school. Either way he was my focus.

On my way home from the meeting I had tried to call home and got no answer, wasnt a big deal, kids were outside playing and husband still wasnt home from work. When I got home two of my children were home, Jonathan was the child who didnt make it home from school. First instinct being to call the school and of course got no answer. The other kids didnt know where he was all they knew was he didnt ride the bus home and he didnt ride his bike home. I of course take off to look for him only to find him riding his bike home from school after he had just gotten in trouble. He had been in somewhat of a fight that day with another classmate and had to stay after school.
We headed home and when we got there I sent him in the house with the other kids and by this time my husband was home. I went on to the store.

This is where my day gets worse! As I leave the store I look up to the sky and I ask GOD to please make Jonathan happy. Much to my surprise "happy" for Jonathan ment becoming an angel because when I got home that is the path we were headed down. By 3:30am April 16, 2008 Jonathan had joined so many other children that were now watching over their parents instead of their parents watching over them.

There are obviously more details to this day and i will share them later.

Now what...........this is what i asked my self?

Today I woke up with a smile on my face becuase I went to sleep with one. As sad as this day is all the people that have supprted me have made it so much easier to handle. I am so happy to have all the support I have. Family, friends and new friends. I have met a lot of new friends through out the last 2 years and I am so grateful for that. Not to mention all of Jonathans friends that have stepped up and become very wise little people. Today has just begun but I hope the rest of my day goes as smooth as it has so far.

Today started off pretty sad but as the evening drew near it changed. I have done a lot of talking in the last 2 years but never have I had such a great feeling at the end of the day. Today ended up being such a good day because I was able to talk to all of Jonathans friends today. Although they miss him terribly they are so wise beyond their years. Children are so much smarter than we give them credit for. Jonathan was so very blessed to have had so many great friends. This makes me happy and want to smile all over again. Im not sure how long it will last but for whatever time it does I will enjoy it.

We all wonder why things happen, but do we ever get an answer? As far as Jonathans death I dont know if I will get that answer until we meet again. I think that is what makes it so hard.I always hear I should have comfort in knowing we will meet agian and I do but I cant seem to wrap my whole heart around it. I have no idea when we are gonna meet again maybe thats the problem. I am not ready to leave my other 2 children but I do know that when the day comes that I do get to hold Jonathan again it will be so emotional that everyone left here on earth will have to run for cover due to the rain drops (tears).

Things will never be the same in my life without him. I have missed Jonathan so much. Nomatter what I do or hard I cry to releave my emotions they always come back. There will forever be a huge a whole in my heart for him.

I want to let everyone know that you will find my letters to Jonathan to be sparatic. I will post past letters and my most recent. I will only post those that dont invade my familys privacy so they will be out of order, according to the date.

Dear Jonathan,
Today is the day it all begin 2 years ago. At 6:30 this evening I will start to relive the tragic days to come all over again. I cant believe that once someone passes on we are left to remember it year after year. I know I should be remember only the good stuff but that is so hard to do when somethin so horrible has happened.Im not sure how to get the memories of the worst time of my life out of my head. I do have good days where I dont think about the bad stuff but they dont come as often as I would like. The good memories I have you are what keeps me going. Im gonna go I will write later....becuase all Im doing is tearing up and I dont want to cry right now.

love you,
mom
4/15/10

Dear Jonathan

Today is a sad day. It has only been a week since you have been gone and it feels like I havent seen you in years. But at the same time you are so vivid in my mind. Im still not understanding all of this. Im still not understanding why? I keep hearing people tell me I never will, but what do they know. No one who says that to me has never been where I am. Im trying really hard to hold my self together and Im not sure how long I can do it. Why? Why did he take you from me? From us? I cant handle not knowing thats the worst feeling. Im going to go for now I will write later.

Love you,

Mom

April 23 2008

I will be posting most of my letters to jonathan also.

2 year anniversary

In two days it will be two years that my dear Jonathan will be gone. Not sure what do on that day. Do we go to dinner, movies, spend the whole day at the cemetary or do we do nothing? I want to do so many things to celebrate his memory but it is so hard. I cant handle most days let alone that day.All i can think about is what would he want us to do? Would he want us to just visit his grave and go home? Would he want us to have a balloon launch in his memory? The question for me to find the answer to is "what do we do on that day?"