Dear Jonathan

Dear Jonathan,
It's only been a week since you have left us and it already feels like a lifetime. No matter how many times I tell myself things will get better I get hit in the heart with reality, beecause right at that moment your dad, sister and or brother walks in the door to remind me of the pain I will stare at everyday. It's a week later and Derek and Bridget have decided they want to go back to school. That it's time. I agree but at the same time I want them here with me. I want to keep my eye on them and my arms around them at all times. It would mean the world to me if you could keep your eye on them and your arms around them when I'm not there. I know you will keep them safe. As much as I want you here I know that we couldn't have asked for a better guardian angel then you. I love you Jonathan and will miss you forever. See ya soon!

......

What do you do when that wall you have put up has been brought down? What do you do when you no longer have all the answers or atleast think you do? Right now would be the first time in almost 4 years that I have questions, that I have over flowing emotions, that no wall can hold back. Yes I know these things are normal,but they aren't normal for me. I don't question much because I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason...good and bad. We are not to question God and why he does the things He does. Although my faith in God has not been broken my confidence in what I thought I didn't need to know has. How do I get that back? Being strong is what I am and being that rock for so many others is what I do. I have no time in my life for weakness. I have no time in my life for questions.I can tell you from the bottom of my heart I don't like this, I do not like being weak,even if it's for a split second.

Blogging Again

It's been a long time since I've blogged but I'm back and ready to write again. Here it is almost Christmas. Another one without Jonathan. This will be our fourth Christmas with out him. Every year since he passed I've bought an ornament in memory of him and this year it's the letter J. Although I think it's a fitting ornament so far I haven't found that one that just sticks out and melts my heart. Not sure that I ever will because of course the only right one would be the one he made and that stopped 4 Christmas's ago. I did hang up a stocking for him this year, which is the first time I've ever done that. I'm not sure if it's because I'm nuts or if it's just because!!!

After three years when someone asks me how many children I have I say three. Never had a problem telling anyone that I have a child who has passed. Until two days ago. I was asked how many children I have and I said two. I didn't even mention jonathan. Not once. I feel like complete crap for doing that. I feel like Jonathan thinks I have forgotten him. But I haven't, I just felt like I didn't really want to go thought the whole story. We were having a good day and my kids were happy and having fun. Why would I turn it into a sad day?
Here I am defending myself and I don't know why. In three years I havent had any guilt or felt like I needed to explain anything but why now? I'm sorry Jonathan, I will never make that mistake again. I miss you and will never forget you.

How is it that one day I'm fine and the next I'm walking around like a zombie? I seriously cant handle the mood swings that come a week before and a week after. I don't know how I have managed to do this for three years. No one should ever have to do this. I miss my son so much that the pain is sharpening by the hour. ...................and as I just typed that last sentence I looked down at the clock and now know why it is. The horror that I know have to relive every year will begin in one hour.

Dear Jonathan

Dear Jonathan, It will be three years in four days that you have been gone and I'm trying to think of good memories instead of the bad. Here is one of those memories that I have. You wrestling with Bridget, Derek and Jessica. The three of you were so silly that day. As I look at this picture I wonder why you weren't helping your brother, he was being beat up by two girls and you are tickling his feet!! LOL That was so you! You were always doing just the opposite of what you should be doing. I loved watching you guys wrestle and play together. No matter how old the girls got they always played with you two. Now that says alot for those girls because you know how they are. :) I would like to tell everyone that you and your brother won that wrestling match but if I remember it right you and Derek got beat by girls. I really miss these days. I would do anything to be able to watch the four of you wrestle one more time. To watch you and Derek finally win would be great. I know that you are having a blast in Heaven but we really miss you down here on earth. So until the day we meet again please watch over these three and keep them safe from harm and always let them know you are there. We miss you and love you. Love, Mom

How to help

As the anniversary of Jonathan's death approaches I find myself thinking about all of my family and friends and how they so wanted to help after he died. For whatever reason they couldn't, didn't know how, or I wouldn't let them. I would like to share what I have learned since then. When Jonathan died there were so many family, friends, and teachers at the hospital that were there to support us and as far as I am concerned it helped me. They helped me keep my sanity. When we finally made it home so many more came to the house for the next few days. We had so much support from family and friends and years later I now see how great it was but at the time all I wanted was for everyone to leave. Some were cleaning my house, others were bringing in food, Derek and Bridget's friends were there keeping them busy, some were sitting at my kitchen table just talking and remembering. All of these things were things that at the time I thought I didn't need, and that all I needed was Jonathan and nothing anyone did or said would bring him back so why even bother. It has now been three years and I feel completely different. I have come to realize that supporting someone whose child who has just died is difficult for anyone to contemplate. Because the loss of a child is so taboo and gigantic we have very few words of comfort. The one thing that so many said to me and still do is "I'm sorry", I hated and still hate that comment. Why? Because what are you sorry for? Unless you took him from me you shouldn't be sorry. I know that seems so harsh but it is the way I feel. Some things that we say actually hinder instead of help. Many people will say 'I know how you feel" luckily that wasn't something that I had to ever hear. Because unless you have lost a child you will never know how I feel. After having years to think about the support that we had I now look back and thank God we had all the support. Right down to the person who mopped my floor. There were a few, I think. For those of you who don't know what to do for someone who is grieving, no matter who its for, here's a little advice...just be there!! Don't ask the grieving person what you can do , just do it and do it quietly. Here is a list of somethings that the grieving don't always remember to do and if you as the support person want to help you can. 1. clean the house 2.mow the grass or plow the drive 3.if there are little ones, keep them occupied 4.bring meals 5.offer to call anyone who hasn't heard about the death 6.do laundry 7.offer to just sit with them and say nothing After the funeral everyone seems to disappear. As if the person who has died has taken everyone with them. Don't be one of those friends who forgets about the grieving person because the funeral is over and we all must go on with our lives now. For a person who is grieving especially someone who has lost a child that isn't easy. 1.taxi the other children 2.help sort the child's belongings 3.continue calling and visiting, but never show with out calling first 4.invite the grieving to go on short outings 5.hug the grieving 6.listen and don't judge, especially with grieving parents because there is often guilt associated with a child's death so the parent will need that non judgemental friend. 7.let the grieving talk about that person who has left their lives, if you try to distract them the end result of your friendship could be just that, the end! I hope that what I have gone through and have learned will help someone else.

Dear Jonathan, Today is April 2 and your niece Breanna Lynn Sophia is here. She was born on March 28 at 9:28 am. She is beautiful and Bridget is a great mommy to her. Breanna looks just like you, Derek and Bridget when you were babies. We so wish you were here to meet her but since you aren't I am asking you to watch over her and be her personal guardian angel like you are for us. I know that you are here in your own way and I'm sure that you have met her in your own way. You loved babies so much, you would have made a great uncle. She would of adored you as she does Derek. I remember the last baby you held was Tytin and you were so amazed by how little he was. Babies loved you to. We love you and miss you Jonathan. Love, Mom

Phases of Grief

There are many different stages of grief and the one that hits us first is shock. Shock is a very intense feeling and it can be intensified by many things. Such as our attachment to the deceased, how they died , and whether it was a long illness or an unexpected death. When our children die it is magnified by hundred times. There are of course many reasons for this and one is because we don't expect children to die. But as I and many others have found out, they do. Death doesn't care about age. Or should I say God. Shock is an overwhelming feeling that leaves us feeling confused.
From what I can remember within the first few days of my shock, I was calm. As if I thought I shouldn't show my feelings. I sat at my kitchen table for many days with friends and family just talking about nothing. I made it through the viewing by walking around the whole time and talking to all the 500 people who came to show their support. At the time that seemed the thing to do. The thing that would help me but now I regret it. Why? Because I left my husband sitting next to Jonathan alone, most of the viewing. How could I do that? I say I have no regrets but that is one that I do have.

They say shock will wear off and then turn into confusion , and they are right. I have never been so confused about anything in all my life. I have been reading self help books and talking to many people in the last 3 years that have given me lots of advice and walked m through the phases of grief and up until recently I thought I was through most of those phases. Well guess what I have had a rude awakening because I am just now after 3 years coming out of the shock phase and headed into the awareness of his loss. There are 5 phases, I have a long way to go. I am beginning to gradually feel the intensity of Jonathan's death and wow is it strong.

Grief

Grief in itself is a strong word and for many has many different emotions and meanings. As the years have passed since Jonathan's death I have been through many stages of grief and still don't understand the stages. I also find myself falling backwards into the stages I thought I already went through, successfully at that. Come to find out I have not made it through any stage successfully because there is always the possibility that I will take a step backwards. Why is that? Why is it that I can not move forward and stay there? The first stage is shock and of course I thought that I was through that but because shock comes with disbelief I'm still there. I'm still in disbelief that my son is gone. At the same time I know hes gone and I accept that, so why am I in shock? I feel like I'm stuck on automatic pilot and just drifting through life but I wake up and drive when I need to, like when my children need me. Then there are other aspects of my life that I feel s if I don't want to deal with it so I just turn on the automatic pilot switch. When will this end? When will I be able to take control and keep that switch off?

Lots of people distance themselves from their family and friends because it is to difficult to face the reality returning to their life. That is something I have said for three years that I was never gonna do. Well guess what, I have done that. I'm sure that most of my friends and family can testify to this. When did I come to realize this? Today! Today was the day that I looked in the mirror and saw a person who has left what life she had behind her. I saw someone that has tried to start a new one with her children and husband because for some reason I thought that was all I needed. Wow was I wrong. Maybe one day I will do something about it. Even though I see it I'm not sure I will ever change it. Tomorrow is another day and another hill.

I have so many things running through my mind tonight that I don't even know where to begin.I guess I will begin with the fact that I really wanted to go to Jonathan's grave today but for some reason couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm not really sure why right after he passed away I wouldn't miss a day but now it has been months. I feel as if every time I go there it all starts all over again. It makes it so real. Although I know it is, I don't need any more reminders. I know that many people think that is what we are suppose to do but why? Why do we have to grave sites? I mean I can still talk to Jonathan whenever and wherever,right?

The one thing that bothers me the most about me not going is the fact that I have no idea if its being taken care of. I don't know who goes there and who cleans it off. I don't want him to think I have no interest in taking care of it. I do I just cant bring myself to go. Maybe one day I will go again;