Dear Jonathan,
Today was one of those days where all I could do was think about you and because I was missing you so much it was making me angry.I know that Im always gonna miss you but Im hoping that Im not always gonna be angry. I have finally started grief counseling and it helps but I have a long way to go. It is wierd because for so long now I have said I dont want to talk and as soon as I got in there thats all I could do is talk. I dont know what every session is gonna bring but what I do know is that I finally can say out loud how I feel.Sometimes I wonder if I just scream really loud would it help? After you died I went to see pastor doug and I said that to him. His response was "well scream." I geuss I just dont want anyone to look at me wierd when they hear me scream for no appearent reason. But you know what Im going to do tomorrow, Im going to head out into a field somewhere and just scream. Maybe it will help, maybe it wont but either way it will feel good for the moment.
I love you and miss you so much Jonathan. I can not wait for the day that we get to see each other again. When I finally do get to hold you in my arms again Im never gonan let you go.
Love,
Mom
My Dear Jonathan
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
When the officer arrived at my house it was a sight that I will never forget. When the officer was trying to revive Jonathan I could see in his face that he wasnt going to be able to. He never said that, I dont really remember him saying anything. The EMT's arrived and tubes went in. They asked questions and tried to comfort us and all the while all I coould think about was my children who were sitting in the room with me watching and waiting. My sister, her boyfriend, me , my husband and my children sat in fear. It was time for them to take Jonathan to the hospital, I rode in the ambulance while everyone else followed. At the time I thought this was the longest ride of my life, you will find out later that it was not. Half way to the hospital we had to pull over, we needed to wait for more EMT's, the ones that are like doctors, not sure what they are called. As we are sitting there, the EMT's are doing their best to save my son and I look across the street to see my husband running at me becuase he had no idea why we had stopped. I could see my children through the windows of the car and the fear in their eyes was so heavy that it was almost numbing. I told my husband what we were doing and the next thing I remember hearing is the EMT saying "I have a pulse". At that point I had no idea that hadnt found one before. Of course when she said that I thought just maybe, just maybe he would be ok.
We finally arrived at the hospital and when we got there there were lots of family and friends waiting. They started working on Jonathan right away. What seemed like hours,but were really minutes went by before we got any news. In the mean time my children got to see Jonathan alive ,but what they wouldnt know was the last time. None of us did. The next thing I remember is being told that Jonathan needed to be transferred to a trauma center, by life flight. While waiting for the helicopter the doctor talked to us. The only thing I can remember him saying is that Jonathan wouldnt make it and me screaming at him telling him that he wasnt God so he didnt know what he was talking about. Those are words that you never want to hear. Never! My husabnd decided he would ride with Jonathan and I would ride with family. We sent the kids home with my brother in law in hopes that we would be bringing Jonathan home.This ride was the longest ride I had ever been on. Until later. Knowing that my son was already at the hospital and I had no idea if he was dead or alive. Not knowing was the worst. We finally made it to the hospital only to find more family and friends. I was taken to the waiting room where my husband was sitting and I will tell you walking in and seeing him sit there with so many tears in his eyes that he couldnt even see was so heart wrenching that I couldnt even stand. All he could say was "he cant die, he has to be ok, bridget and derek cant lose their brother, we cant lose our son". Oh wow!! I felt the same way just didnt say it yet. I had seen it in the officers eyes and heard from the doctor, but not my husband to. We sat and waited for the ok to go to his room. When they finally came to get us all the family and friends followed, about 30 or 40 of them so it seemed, but i dont really know how many were there.
As I sat in the waiting room surrounded by lots of family and friends all I could think about was if Jonathan died how was I gonna pay for the funeral, how was I gonna tell his siblings, and how would we move on? I kept going from the room to the waiting room, I couldnt sit still. It wasnt appearent to me then why I did that, but I now know why now. Not only was I worried about everyone else but I think I was afraid I would be in the room when he took his last breath. I didnt want to see that. Well I didn't want to see any of it.
We finally arrived at the hospital and when we got there there were lots of family and friends waiting. They started working on Jonathan right away. What seemed like hours,but were really minutes went by before we got any news. In the mean time my children got to see Jonathan alive ,but what they wouldnt know was the last time. None of us did. The next thing I remember is being told that Jonathan needed to be transferred to a trauma center, by life flight. While waiting for the helicopter the doctor talked to us. The only thing I can remember him saying is that Jonathan wouldnt make it and me screaming at him telling him that he wasnt God so he didnt know what he was talking about. Those are words that you never want to hear. Never! My husabnd decided he would ride with Jonathan and I would ride with family. We sent the kids home with my brother in law in hopes that we would be bringing Jonathan home.This ride was the longest ride I had ever been on. Until later. Knowing that my son was already at the hospital and I had no idea if he was dead or alive. Not knowing was the worst. We finally made it to the hospital only to find more family and friends. I was taken to the waiting room where my husband was sitting and I will tell you walking in and seeing him sit there with so many tears in his eyes that he couldnt even see was so heart wrenching that I couldnt even stand. All he could say was "he cant die, he has to be ok, bridget and derek cant lose their brother, we cant lose our son". Oh wow!! I felt the same way just didnt say it yet. I had seen it in the officers eyes and heard from the doctor, but not my husband to. We sat and waited for the ok to go to his room. When they finally came to get us all the family and friends followed, about 30 or 40 of them so it seemed, but i dont really know how many were there.
As I sat in the waiting room surrounded by lots of family and friends all I could think about was if Jonathan died how was I gonna pay for the funeral, how was I gonna tell his siblings, and how would we move on? I kept going from the room to the waiting room, I couldnt sit still. It wasnt appearent to me then why I did that, but I now know why now. Not only was I worried about everyone else but I think I was afraid I would be in the room when he took his last breath. I didnt want to see that. Well I didn't want to see any of it.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Dear Jonathan,
As I stood over your hospital bed today all I wanted to do was pick you up and bring you home. Your dad and I sat beside you praying and hoping that what we were seeing was a nightmare. But no one ever woke me up. I watched you struggle for hours trying to hold on. No matter how hard I prayed you never opened your eyes. It was like watching a hooror movie the only thing was it was real. It was our own horror movie come to life.
There were so many nurses and doctors. No one knew what to do for you and we could see that in their faces.You had so many machines hooked up to you. This definatly isnt a site I ever wanted to see. I just didnt know what to to say or do except please dont go, please dont leave us, we love you, need you and will miss you.
love,
mom
As I stood over your hospital bed today all I wanted to do was pick you up and bring you home. Your dad and I sat beside you praying and hoping that what we were seeing was a nightmare. But no one ever woke me up. I watched you struggle for hours trying to hold on. No matter how hard I prayed you never opened your eyes. It was like watching a hooror movie the only thing was it was real. It was our own horror movie come to life.
There were so many nurses and doctors. No one knew what to do for you and we could see that in their faces.You had so many machines hooked up to you. This definatly isnt a site I ever wanted to see. I just didnt know what to to say or do except please dont go, please dont leave us, we love you, need you and will miss you.
love,
mom
Saturday, April 17, 2010
what i thought i was gonna post
I have to tell you that this was not the post I started with. I wrote a post explaining what happened on the worst day of my life. I almost finished the post when I decided to delete it all. I gues Im not as ready as I thought to tell the world how my Jonathan died. I really thought I was. Writing it wasnt as hard as I thougth it was gonna be but pushing that post button was a lot harder than I thought it was gonna be. There have been people that have asked me what happened and I have told all of them but for some reson I cant tell the whole world at one time.
The visions of that day weigh heavy on my heart and mind and maybe thats why I cant tell the whole world yet, becuase Im afraid of the weight it will then add to it all over again.I will tell you that although I am saddened at what I had to see I am glad that I am the one that did. Not becuase I can handle walking in on my son while dying right before my eyes but because there would be no one else in my family that could have handled what I saw.As difficult as it was for me it would of been a lot more difficult for my children or my husband.
People say Im strong, and others tell me to get over it and move on, I say I move on the best I know how and to those who say Im strong, I am only as strong as Jonathan and God allow me to be.
The visions of that day weigh heavy on my heart and mind and maybe thats why I cant tell the whole world yet, becuase Im afraid of the weight it will then add to it all over again.I will tell you that although I am saddened at what I had to see I am glad that I am the one that did. Not becuase I can handle walking in on my son while dying right before my eyes but because there would be no one else in my family that could have handled what I saw.As difficult as it was for me it would of been a lot more difficult for my children or my husband.
People say Im strong, and others tell me to get over it and move on, I say I move on the best I know how and to those who say Im strong, I am only as strong as Jonathan and God allow me to be.
Day 1
Day 1 is the day that Jonathan Vaughn Holden Kistler came into this world at 8 lbs 9 oz and 21 1/2 inches long. Beautiful dark hair and the smile of an angel!
This is all I remember of the day my son was born. Most of you will be in complete shock to hear that I don't remember the day my son was born and most of you will not understand because I can not explain. I have just recently come to the understanding that it is time for me to start talking about Jonathan and start letting family and friends tell me stories so that my memories can come back to me. I was too embaressed to tell anyone I couldn't remember May 29, 1998 after Jonathan died. I remember everything after that day and until the day he died. But why can't I remember that very special day? The only answer I have been given is that HE is not ready to let me relive that memory. HE is who? Is it GOD or Jonathan? It doesn't realy matter at this point becuase until HE lets me remember I won't.
This is all I remember of the day my son was born. Most of you will be in complete shock to hear that I don't remember the day my son was born and most of you will not understand because I can not explain. I have just recently come to the understanding that it is time for me to start talking about Jonathan and start letting family and friends tell me stories so that my memories can come back to me. I was too embaressed to tell anyone I couldn't remember May 29, 1998 after Jonathan died. I remember everything after that day and until the day he died. But why can't I remember that very special day? The only answer I have been given is that HE is not ready to let me relive that memory. HE is who? Is it GOD or Jonathan? It doesn't realy matter at this point becuase until HE lets me remember I won't.
dear jonathan
Dear Jonathan,
I woke up this morning wondering what would we do in memory of you. We had no plans and wasnt sure if we would. I also woke up with a smile. The smile came from all your great friends. They are the most wonderful young people I have ever met. You would be proud of them. As the day went on it became obvious that there would be no big plans and that we would just keep your memory going in our minds and heart. I mean what a better place to keep it right? We didnt need to do anytihng extravigant to remember you on this day becuase you are not forgettable. We did visit your grave and it was the first time I have been there and not cried. At first I thought I should be crying but then I thought why? I mean yeah I miss you and wish you were here but how could I cry when you are in the most fabulous place there is to be. Thats what I thought of today. Where you are and where we are. Im not ready to leave this world but when I am I know that Im going to the most beautiful place there is to go. I will get to be with you again and I will get walk side by side with the one man who makes everything better. I miss you Jonathan and I love you so on this day and everyday from know on I will remember you in good thoughts and not on the day you left us.See you soon!
love
Mom
4/16/10
I woke up this morning wondering what would we do in memory of you. We had no plans and wasnt sure if we would. I also woke up with a smile. The smile came from all your great friends. They are the most wonderful young people I have ever met. You would be proud of them. As the day went on it became obvious that there would be no big plans and that we would just keep your memory going in our minds and heart. I mean what a better place to keep it right? We didnt need to do anytihng extravigant to remember you on this day becuase you are not forgettable. We did visit your grave and it was the first time I have been there and not cried. At first I thought I should be crying but then I thought why? I mean yeah I miss you and wish you were here but how could I cry when you are in the most fabulous place there is to be. Thats what I thought of today. Where you are and where we are. Im not ready to leave this world but when I am I know that Im going to the most beautiful place there is to go. I will get to be with you again and I will get walk side by side with the one man who makes everything better. I miss you Jonathan and I love you so on this day and everyday from know on I will remember you in good thoughts and not on the day you left us.See you soon!
love
Mom
4/16/10
the worst day of a parents life
Tuesday April 15, 2008 was supose to be a day like any other and it turned out to be a day like no other. I woke up that day with no worries. I went off to my board meeting, my husbad off to work and my children off to school. Normal day right?
On this day I sat in my meeting wondering and worrying about Jonathan for some reason I could not get him off of my mind. I think about all of my children often of course but on this particular day Jonathan was weighing on my mind heavily. Maybe because he had been having some trouble with friends and school. Either way he was my focus.
On my way home from the meeting I had tried to call home and got no answer, wasnt a big deal, kids were outside playing and husband still wasnt home from work. When I got home two of my children were home, Jonathan was the child who didnt make it home from school. First instinct being to call the school and of course got no answer. The other kids didnt know where he was all they knew was he didnt ride the bus home and he didnt ride his bike home. I of course take off to look for him only to find him riding his bike home from school after he had just gotten in trouble. He had been in somewhat of a fight that day with another classmate and had to stay after school.
We headed home and when we got there I sent him in the house with the other kids and by this time my husband was home. I went on to the store.
This is where my day gets worse! As I leave the store I look up to the sky and I ask GOD to please make Jonathan happy. Much to my surprise "happy" for Jonathan ment becoming an angel because when I got home that is the path we were headed down. By 3:30am April 16, 2008 Jonathan had joined so many other children that were now watching over their parents instead of their parents watching over them.
There are obviously more details to this day and i will share them later.
Now what...........this is what i asked my self?
On this day I sat in my meeting wondering and worrying about Jonathan for some reason I could not get him off of my mind. I think about all of my children often of course but on this particular day Jonathan was weighing on my mind heavily. Maybe because he had been having some trouble with friends and school. Either way he was my focus.
On my way home from the meeting I had tried to call home and got no answer, wasnt a big deal, kids were outside playing and husband still wasnt home from work. When I got home two of my children were home, Jonathan was the child who didnt make it home from school. First instinct being to call the school and of course got no answer. The other kids didnt know where he was all they knew was he didnt ride the bus home and he didnt ride his bike home. I of course take off to look for him only to find him riding his bike home from school after he had just gotten in trouble. He had been in somewhat of a fight that day with another classmate and had to stay after school.
We headed home and when we got there I sent him in the house with the other kids and by this time my husband was home. I went on to the store.
This is where my day gets worse! As I leave the store I look up to the sky and I ask GOD to please make Jonathan happy. Much to my surprise "happy" for Jonathan ment becoming an angel because when I got home that is the path we were headed down. By 3:30am April 16, 2008 Jonathan had joined so many other children that were now watching over their parents instead of their parents watching over them.
There are obviously more details to this day and i will share them later.
Now what...........this is what i asked my self?
Friday, April 16, 2010
Today I woke up with a smile on my face becuase I went to sleep with one. As sad as this day is all the people that have supprted me have made it so much easier to handle. I am so happy to have all the support I have. Family, friends and new friends. I have met a lot of new friends through out the last 2 years and I am so grateful for that. Not to mention all of Jonathans friends that have stepped up and become very wise little people. Today has just begun but I hope the rest of my day goes as smooth as it has so far.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Today started off pretty sad but as the evening drew near it changed. I have done a lot of talking in the last 2 years but never have I had such a great feeling at the end of the day. Today ended up being such a good day because I was able to talk to all of Jonathans friends today. Although they miss him terribly they are so wise beyond their years. Children are so much smarter than we give them credit for. Jonathan was so very blessed to have had so many great friends. This makes me happy and want to smile all over again. Im not sure how long it will last but for whatever time it does I will enjoy it.
We all wonder why things happen, but do we ever get an answer? As far as Jonathans death I dont know if I will get that answer until we meet again. I think that is what makes it so hard.I always hear I should have comfort in knowing we will meet agian and I do but I cant seem to wrap my whole heart around it. I have no idea when we are gonna meet again maybe thats the problem. I am not ready to leave my other 2 children but I do know that when the day comes that I do get to hold Jonathan again it will be so emotional that everyone left here on earth will have to run for cover due to the rain drops (tears).
Things will never be the same in my life without him. I have missed Jonathan so much. Nomatter what I do or hard I cry to releave my emotions they always come back. There will forever be a huge a whole in my heart for him.
Things will never be the same in my life without him. I have missed Jonathan so much. Nomatter what I do or hard I cry to releave my emotions they always come back. There will forever be a huge a whole in my heart for him.
Dear Jonathan,
Today is the day it all begin 2 years ago. At 6:30 this evening I will start to relive the tragic days to come all over again. I cant believe that once someone passes on we are left to remember it year after year. I know I should be remember only the good stuff but that is so hard to do when somethin so horrible has happened.Im not sure how to get the memories of the worst time of my life out of my head. I do have good days where I dont think about the bad stuff but they dont come as often as I would like. The good memories I have you are what keeps me going. Im gonna go I will write later....becuase all Im doing is tearing up and I dont want to cry right now.
love you,
mom
4/15/10
Today is the day it all begin 2 years ago. At 6:30 this evening I will start to relive the tragic days to come all over again. I cant believe that once someone passes on we are left to remember it year after year. I know I should be remember only the good stuff but that is so hard to do when somethin so horrible has happened.Im not sure how to get the memories of the worst time of my life out of my head. I do have good days where I dont think about the bad stuff but they dont come as often as I would like. The good memories I have you are what keeps me going. Im gonna go I will write later....becuase all Im doing is tearing up and I dont want to cry right now.
love you,
mom
4/15/10
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Dear Jonathan
Today is a sad day. It has only been a week since you have been gone and it feels like I havent seen you in years. But at the same time you are so vivid in my mind. Im still not understanding all of this. Im still not understanding why? I keep hearing people tell me I never will, but what do they know. No one who says that to me has never been where I am. Im trying really hard to hold my self together and Im not sure how long I can do it. Why? Why did he take you from me? From us? I cant handle not knowing thats the worst feeling. Im going to go for now I will write later.
Love you,
Mom
April 23 2008
I will be posting most of my letters to jonathan also.
2 year anniversary
In two days it will be two years that my dear Jonathan will be gone. Not sure what do on that day. Do we go to dinner, movies, spend the whole day at the cemetary or do we do nothing? I want to do so many things to celebrate his memory but it is so hard. I cant handle most days let alone that day.All i can think about is what would he want us to do? Would he want us to just visit his grave and go home? Would he want us to have a balloon launch in his memory? The question for me to find the answer to is "what do we do on that day?"
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