Anger

"Your Not God", these would be the words that I remember so vividly only because they came right after the doctor said "he isn't going to make it". What? Who are you to make that decision? Those are the questions I asked. The one statement I made was "get in there and do your job, save my son". Well I came to find out that just because you demand it doesn't mean it works. When that doctor said that to me I wanted freak out on him because at that time it seemed so cold, inhumane to say that to a parent. Why couldn't he just say we are doing everything we can. I carried him for 9 months, loved and nurtured him for 9 years so who in the hell are you to tell me when my son is leaving this world. Anger was obviously the first emotion I felt after the fear, but believe me the fear came back.

I'm not sure that I never got over the anger. I'm still angry to this day. I mean how could I not be? I'm not angry at Jonathan, I'm not angry at the doctors, I'm not angry at God, and I m not angry at any family or friends, so who am I angry at? This I don't understand. I have this issue well at least I'm told its an issue, its called self analyzing myself. What I mean by this is I answer my own questions and I tend to come up with my own conclusion on why I think what I think and do what I do. So when the question about why am I still angry and who am I angry at well I almost think I have answered those questions.

Women are always known as the caring nurturing one that doesn't show anger, she shows love. We as women like to soothe pain calm the anger so of course as this whole process was unfolding I was doing just that for my family. I want showing the anger that I felt I was making everyone think that I was OK. Whatever that is. For a mother who has lost a child, the prohibition against anger blocks the most natural as well as the healthiest emotion she can show.This would explain why I'm still angry , I was afraid to show it. my family needed me to be there for them, to be the soother. As far as who I'm angry at, well I can now say I'm sorry to the doctor that said Jonathan wasn't going to make it. He was only being honest and of course at that time I had some displaced anger. I have come to realize that what I am angry at isn't a who its a what. The what being the circle of life. I have been deprived of my son because this is the way it is and there is no other explanation. God says this is it, so it is.

Dear Jonathan,

It is the day after your funeral and I am a mess. I miss you so much right now that I cant even take a breath without shedding a tear. Once again I woke up saying Im not going, if I dont go I dont have to say goodbye. If I dont go then I dont have to touch you and see you for the last time. It isnt fair.

Even though there were so many people, 500 to be exact, at the funeral to pay thier respects and support us it seemed like we were all alone. Me, dad, Bridget and Derek we were alone. I geuss I felt this way because we were alone, no one was feeling the pain that we were. As I sat there in the front near you and listened to all the nice things everyone had to say about you all I could think of was yelling out please stop. I didnt want to hear anymore becuase all it ment was they were speaking of you in a past tense and I was not ready to have a future without you. None of us were.There was a photo slide show of you and the whole time it played there wasnt a dry eye in the church. It was horrible listening to everyone cry, listening to myself cry. I wasnt suppose to be looking at a slide show I was suppose to be playing out side with you, watching you play video games, listening to you talk about Breana and how she was gonna marry you some day.

I was so mad. I wasnt even upset at this point I was mad, really mad. I couldnt understand what was going on. Pastor Doug did a great job and everyone who had something to say about you had such kind words but it didnt make the anger go away. I sat there pretending like I was handling it. But what everyone didnt know was that inside I was dead. I needed to pick you up and carry you out of there. I asked dad if I could pick you up and just hold you until I was ready to let go, if I could carry you off to another room to be with you. Needless to say dad looked at me with so many tears in his eyes and said "if it helps you". I didnt. Who would? I would of looked like a crazy woman.

I cried a lot through out the funeral service, many times but when every one started to come through the line hugging and saying Im sorry I lost it a few times. I was so tired of hugging and so tired of hearing Im sorry. I know they mean well and I have doen the same thing they did many times because you dont know what else to do. But yesterday I didnt care about any one but dad, Bridget and Derek. I just wanted someone to pinch me so I could wake up from this horrible nightmare.No one did and here I am writing all about it.
I love and miss you so much and I will write everyday.

Love,
Mom

Dear Jonathan,

Dear Jonathan,
I know you were with us all day today so you saw what we did but I am still in disbelief. I knew that you were loved but wow. There were nearly 400 people at your viewing. So many children were there and everyone of them were there becuase you were their friend in some way shape or form. When we walked in I couldnt believe all the flowers, cards and other things people sent to pay their respects.

When we got their your dad and I were told that we should sit next to you so that everyone could walk through and pay their respects to us. Well needless to say your dad sat their 90% of the time but I just couldnt. I had to get up and walk and talk. Sitting next to your casket was not something I ever wanted to do, ever. I think dad just couldnt move or else he would have. Bridget and Derek had so many friends and teachers that were there for them today. How is it that such young people can touch so many? I was very proud of them today, they coped very well. Derek walked with a lot of his friends up to see you as did Bridget because they wanted to be there for there friends. How selfless was that? They were not just thinking about themselves when most only think of themselves at a time like this. You should be proud of them.

When I woke up I didnt want to go but at the same time I couldnt wait to go because today was gonna be one of the last times I got to touch you. And I know that you knew I was there and that I was holding your hand, I just know it. As your dad and I sat there waiting patiently for the night to come to an end, Mrs. Swineford, one of your teachers, gave us something a comfort cross. We put half of it in your hand and I carry the other half with always. It makes me feel closer to you. I will never let it go, ever.

Today was very hard but tomorrow is going to be horrific. I am not ready for this Jonathan, I am not ready to say goodbye forever.

Love Ya,
Mom

The pain I feel for others

I had no idea that when I started this blog that I wouldn't be blogging everyday. I honestly thought I had so much to talk about about that I could blog everyday all day long. I have come to find out in the las two weeks that I am not as ready as I thought to talk. Its weird because I do want to talk but I seem to be picking and choosing that things I want to talk about. I have deleted so many blogs in the past few weeks.

Today must be one of those days that I feel like talking. I think its because in the last few weeks I have been reading the papers and watching the news and it all seems to be about children dieing. I cant seem to get my mind off of all these parents that are losing their children. Why? Why do these kids need to go before us? A question I will have to wait for an answer to. First their was the 2 children, brother and sister, who died in Medina County in a car accident, then a young man at my daughters school who died in a motorcycle accident, and the young 13 year old who accidentally hung himself with a chain in Lorain County. I think that is what I read. Of course the last one really hit home and I feel for all the family's but the siblings. Oh my gosh I couldn't imagine losing two of my children at once. Losing one was bad enough. Every time I watched the news and heard this story my heart started to beat really fast and tears just poured down my cheeks. How could God take them both? Why would he make these parents go through this? I asked my self these questions under my breath and out loud until my husband answered and said "why do you keep asking that same question? Knowing your not gonna get an answer why even beat your self up?" All I could say was just because.
going through what I have been through I have a special place in my heart for any parent that has gone through the same. I cant seem to think about my own pain because I'm always worried about others. It would be selfish of me not to. There is always someone out there that needs me to pray for then and think of them. I just wish that it was under better circumstances. I don't even know any of these kids that have went on to Heaven but that doesn't make the pain in my chest any less significant. If I could make the pain that I feel disappear for so many others, that would definitely be on my list of things to do, the number one thing to do. My heart weighs heavy for those who have lost a child and I cant stop the pain.

Today I wake up and I want to write, but I am not sure what about. So I will write about what comes to mind and right now that is how I feel about all the people who disapear from your life after you have lost a child. I always had tons of friends and family before Jonathan died and I thought those same people would always be here for me, no matter what. I have come to find out that isnt always true. Im not sure if these friends, not really the family, understand what friendship is. I mean I still have many friends who care and support me but there are a few that I thought would never leave me alone and with out them. I understand that not everyone can deal with the loss of a child even if the child isnt theirs and I know that some people just dont know what to do for a parent in my situation so they think removing themselves from your life is the best thing to do Healing for them I geuss but Im not sure that is the right thing to do.

My experience has been that those who I counted on didnt want to be there and those that I didnt know before hand or I wasnt close to are the ones that I have grown to count on. When your best friend decides that they cant handle it and makes sure that you know it by not being there, what are you to do? Do you beg and plea for their shoulder and ear? Do you say that is fine I dont need you anyway? or do you do what we did and just drift apart?

Dear God

From the day Jonathan died I started a journal, letters to Jonathan, just journal entries on how im feeling and letters to God.



Dear God,
As you know today is the viewing. Did I really just say viewing, I mean a viewing for my 9 year old baby? Those are among many words that I cant believe I have to say now. I have a few questions for you and althougg I know they wont get answered until I join you and Jonathan I want you to be ready for them when I get there.

First being Why? Why my son? What did he ever do that was so horrible that would make you want to take him away from us? Because I know he wasnt ready to leave this world. I know he wasnt ready to leave us his family and his friends. We are devisated as you can see. This is pain that no one should feel so why do you make us feel this pain? I also know that I am not question you and the things that you do or bring upon us, but I cant help it. I dont know who else to ask. I know that we are all put on Earth to serve a purpose, but what purpose could he have already fullfilled at 9? Being a son, a brother, a friend is that it? Not that , that isnt enough becuase that is more than enough. I wouldnt give up the 9 years I had with him for anything. As much as I miss him and want him back I am very blessed to of had him for the time that I did.
Remember I will have a whole list of questions for you when I join you, but for now I ask that you help me, my husband and my children get through these next few days with lots of love and prayer.

With much love

forgetting

Forgetting? Who does that? Not me, atleast I dont want to. I know that forgetting all the things that surrounded his death I should probley put away some where in my mind. But I cant. That day and the few days to follow were the most horrific days of my life. How do you forget those days? Should I forget those days? Will I ever forget those days? These are just more questions I have that I dont know if I will ever get them answered.

Forgetting means letting go of agaonizing reminders of the time surrounding his death, guilt, shame, and of remorse.This is hard because we as parents, as mothers especially have a deep commitment to our child. Feeling that a huge chunk of my heart and soul has been removed is somrthing I dont think can ever be replaced.Although I want to forget sometimes I feel that if I do that means I would be saying he never exsisted in the first place. If I forget his death will I forget his birth? Which leads me to the next issue I have that I deal with on a daily basis. I dont remember his birth. Does that mean in someway I have already forgotten? As I ask that question I know that I havent forgotten because the day of his death is still so vivid in my mind. That is not the vision I wnat to see all the time. The day he was born would be the ultimate vision. Maybe one day I will remember.