Happy Birthday!!

Dear Jonathan,
Today is your 14th birthday, what else is there to say? I can't wish you a happy birthday. I can't give you a hug. I can't give you gifts or have you a party. Not sure what to even to think today. I miss you so much lately. I feel like the last 4 years of being "strong" is catching up to me. Sometimes I feel guilty for missing you so much because I'm the rock for so many others so I can't be falling apart. I just need you to know that no matter how many days go by that I dont cry or I stay strong, I am still missing you everyday. I will love you forever.
Love,
mom

Well the plan was to have a heavenly celebration for Jonathan's birthday....that didn't happen! I always say I want to do certain things where Jonathan is concerned but I never do it. I have no idea why I even  say things out loud. Doing things in Jonathan's memory is something I dream of doing but for some reason as time passes its getting harder. I wish I knew why, I wish I could just follow through with these things. I don't even know what else to say about this, except that I am very disappointed in myself for never following through...........