How to help

As the anniversary of Jonathan's death approaches I find myself thinking about all of my family and friends and how they so wanted to help after he died. For whatever reason they couldn't, didn't know how, or I wouldn't let them. I would like to share what I have learned since then. When Jonathan died there were so many family, friends, and teachers at the hospital that were there to support us and as far as I am concerned it helped me. They helped me keep my sanity. When we finally made it home so many more came to the house for the next few days. We had so much support from family and friends and years later I now see how great it was but at the time all I wanted was for everyone to leave. Some were cleaning my house, others were bringing in food, Derek and Bridget's friends were there keeping them busy, some were sitting at my kitchen table just talking and remembering. All of these things were things that at the time I thought I didn't need, and that all I needed was Jonathan and nothing anyone did or said would bring him back so why even bother. It has now been three years and I feel completely different. I have come to realize that supporting someone whose child who has just died is difficult for anyone to contemplate. Because the loss of a child is so taboo and gigantic we have very few words of comfort. The one thing that so many said to me and still do is "I'm sorry", I hated and still hate that comment. Why? Because what are you sorry for? Unless you took him from me you shouldn't be sorry. I know that seems so harsh but it is the way I feel. Some things that we say actually hinder instead of help. Many people will say 'I know how you feel" luckily that wasn't something that I had to ever hear. Because unless you have lost a child you will never know how I feel. After having years to think about the support that we had I now look back and thank God we had all the support. Right down to the person who mopped my floor. There were a few, I think. For those of you who don't know what to do for someone who is grieving, no matter who its for, here's a little advice...just be there!! Don't ask the grieving person what you can do , just do it and do it quietly. Here is a list of somethings that the grieving don't always remember to do and if you as the support person want to help you can. 1. clean the house 2.mow the grass or plow the drive 3.if there are little ones, keep them occupied 4.bring meals 5.offer to call anyone who hasn't heard about the death 6.do laundry 7.offer to just sit with them and say nothing After the funeral everyone seems to disappear. As if the person who has died has taken everyone with them. Don't be one of those friends who forgets about the grieving person because the funeral is over and we all must go on with our lives now. For a person who is grieving especially someone who has lost a child that isn't easy. 1.taxi the other children 2.help sort the child's belongings 3.continue calling and visiting, but never show with out calling first 4.invite the grieving to go on short outings 5.hug the grieving 6.listen and don't judge, especially with grieving parents because there is often guilt associated with a child's death so the parent will need that non judgemental friend. 7.let the grieving talk about that person who has left their lives, if you try to distract them the end result of your friendship could be just that, the end! I hope that what I have gone through and have learned will help someone else.