I wish I could make everyone understand what I am going through and not because I want anyone to feel my pain but so that I can feel the way I want and be the way I want with out any questions or judgements. Sometimes I just want to say out loud to people " I know that you don't know how I feel and I don't care." Does that sound terrible? Its been two years and I'm still mad so of course I'm gonna seem bitter, because I am. I hear things like "it will get better in time" or "hes better off." These words sometimes just pierce right through me, and then I find myself telling other people these things. Are these things we as humans just automatically say even if we don't mean them?
I get tired of hearing that I should move on and get over it because what I really want to do is go back words and stop it from happening. I miss Jonathan so much that I would do anything to have him here with me. He never should have left this world and I'm madder today than any other day that he did.
I WANT JONATHAN BACK NOW!!!!
People really don't understand how you feel, and they do say things they think they are supposed to say. The only true thing I read here is that the pain does become more bearable with time. It becomes a part of you that you learn to live with (but it really never goes away) and NOBODY who has ever lost a child "gets over it". You will never get over it, but you will get through it. My son died 32 years ago, but I remember it like yesterday, and I still have crying jags. And sometimes I still get angry. And when people tell me he's in a better place, it really pisses me off. The better place is here with his mother and his family that loves him so much. You can never move away from it, but as I said, your shoulders do become stronger and you learn to bear the pain a little more silently. It's kind of like someone who loses their leg, they learn to live without it, but they will always miss it, and sometimes even have pains in the leg they don't have anymore. In our case, our hearts keep on beating, even though we feel they have been ripped from our chest. I think of you often, Misty, and I share your pain. I know EXACTLY how you feel! I want my baby boy back also!
ReplyDeleteI have to say that even though I mis him terribly I have to believe that Heaven is a much better palce and we would all be better off there, as long as we are together. See thats the problem we arent together. I just want to touch him one more time.
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