I must be crazy

I find myself missing Jonathan a lot lately. I'm guessing its because of the holidays. This will be the third Christmas we have had to spend with out him and it seems to be weighing on my heart heavily. I'm not sure why this year seems to be as if it were the first and I can seem to shake the feeling of not wanting to celebrate. I know that I cant do that to my children who I am very blessed to still have here with me but I just cant seem to get into the spirit. The first Christmas we spent without Jonathan was horrible and the second seemed to be better but for some reason this year is like reliving the first all over again. Why? No matter how much I tell myself things will get easier they don't and frankly I'm tired of telling my self this because I'm only lying to myself. Its gotten to the point where I'm becoming exhausted due to the constant thinking of Jonathan. I'm sure that didn't sound right at all, and the way I mean it is that although I enjoy remembering Jonathan and thinking of him I wish that I could find away to think of him and not be sad about it. I shouldn't be sad when I think of him, I should be thrilled to have such great memories. I want every Christmas and every birthday to be a joyous moment for me and my family but I'm not sure how I'm going to do this. I miss Jonathan so much this year that I am almost tempted to go out buy him a new Xbox game or a new bike because his doesn't work anymore. What in the world am I thinking?