It has been over 2 years and I still don't know what to expect. I'm still going into periods of shock. Not so much denial because I know hes gone, I know hes not coming back, but I'm still very shocked at the fact that children can die. Before Jonathan died I told my self all the time that it could never happen to me, why in the world would I ever say that? Its so weird because people use to say to me all the time, and I guess they still do, that I'm a caring thoughtful person but to be honest with you I have found myself not caring about much of anything these days other than my children. I'm not sure how to even change this.
I'm still angry about Jonathan's death but I don't normally show it. I'm not angry at him or anyone else but I'm angry if that makes any sense at all. Its funny because I sit and think about who it is I'm angry with and I come up with no one. I cant blame Jonathan because I don't think he knew what he was doing, I don't blame myself or my husband, I definitely don't blame God, and the doctors they did everything they could. So who's fault is this? Who should I be angry at for taking my son away from me?
As I'm writing this I have a thought and I don't think Ill be able to blog about that thought. I think I just got my answer.
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