Grief

Grief in itself is a strong word and for many has many different emotions and meanings. As the years have passed since Jonathan's death I have been through many stages of grief and still don't understand the stages. I also find myself falling backwards into the stages I thought I already went through, successfully at that. Come to find out I have not made it through any stage successfully because there is always the possibility that I will take a step backwards. Why is that? Why is it that I can not move forward and stay there? The first stage is shock and of course I thought that I was through that but because shock comes with disbelief I'm still there. I'm still in disbelief that my son is gone. At the same time I know hes gone and I accept that, so why am I in shock? I feel like I'm stuck on automatic pilot and just drifting through life but I wake up and drive when I need to, like when my children need me. Then there are other aspects of my life that I feel s if I don't want to deal with it so I just turn on the automatic pilot switch. When will this end? When will I be able to take control and keep that switch off?

Lots of people distance themselves from their family and friends because it is to difficult to face the reality returning to their life. That is something I have said for three years that I was never gonna do. Well guess what, I have done that. I'm sure that most of my friends and family can testify to this. When did I come to realize this? Today! Today was the day that I looked in the mirror and saw a person who has left what life she had behind her. I saw someone that has tried to start a new one with her children and husband because for some reason I thought that was all I needed. Wow was I wrong. Maybe one day I will do something about it. Even though I see it I'm not sure I will ever change it. Tomorrow is another day and another hill.