I have so many things running through my mind tonight that I don't even know where to begin.I guess I will begin with the fact that I really wanted to go to Jonathan's grave today but for some reason couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm not really sure why right after he passed away I wouldn't miss a day but now it has been months. I feel as if every time I go there it all starts all over again. It makes it so real. Although I know it is, I don't need any more reminders. I know that many people think that is what we are suppose to do but why? Why do we have to grave sites? I mean I can still talk to Jonathan whenever and wherever,right?

The one thing that bothers me the most about me not going is the fact that I have no idea if its being taken care of. I don't know who goes there and who cleans it off. I don't want him to think I have no interest in taking care of it. I do I just cant bring myself to go. Maybe one day I will go again;