Dear Jonathan

Dear Jonathan,

It's been way to long since I've heard your voice or held your hand. I've been thinking a lot about you lately and how much I miss you. Up until recently I could go weeks even months without shedding a year, with out crying because I miss you so much. I could tell myself I will see you soon. Not so much anymore even though I know I will I'm tired of waiting. I need to see you, I need to hear your voice, I need to tell you I love you.... I just need you. Even if it is only in my dreams for a few seconds.... I need you! 

Holidays bring tears not cheers!

Well Fall has arrived, which means the holidays are right around the corner. I have a strong feeling that this year is going to be tough....not sure why but I do. Maybe because the last few months for me have been tough, I have missed Jonathan more in the last few months than I have in the 4 years hes been gone. Things are hitting home. As much as I hate to admit it I would have to say that I do believe that it took over 4 years for his death to really hit me. I'm still fighting through it dont get me wrong, but it's harder. I don't break down easily and I definatly don't show weakness unless I have absolutely no choice. But see I have a choice, His name is Jesus! If  I keep all of my faith in Him I know I will get through this rough spot to. I know Jonathan wants me to keep being positive and looking at the big picture, which is the fact that I need to do what I need to do here on earth so I can be with him in Heaven.

Move On!!

You are not alone. Your child is not forgotten and you will survive…one breath at a time. We are here...............would be the words of many other grieving parents!! These words make me feel even worse. I mean why in the world would I want anyone to feel the same way I do, to have the same pain I have, or to sometimes walk around in such a daze as if I'm lost in fog. I never wanted to be part of this "bareaved parent" group and I sure as heck didn't wish it on any one else. Who wants to feel numb, lost, out of control, crazy and exhausted? These are just a small amount  of the things parents of angels feel and go through. No matter how much counseling we have or how many meds we take, our children are still angels. People say "go to counseling" , "get put on something" , :move on". Funny thing is going to counseling and taking meds doesn't mean we can move on. I myself have done an awesome job at moving on or atleast I think I have until I need to go more than 10 miles away from my home with out my children. Then it all begins. I'm a complete mess, and I cant "move on". So to those of you that say "move on".......I want you to think of something that hurt you so much you thought your life was over and then multiply that feeling by a trillion, then come find me and tell me how you "moved on" on from that agonizing pain!!!

Happy Birthday!!

Dear Jonathan,
Today is your 14th birthday, what else is there to say? I can't wish you a happy birthday. I can't give you a hug. I can't give you gifts or have you a party. Not sure what to even to think today. I miss you so much lately. I feel like the last 4 years of being "strong" is catching up to me. Sometimes I feel guilty for missing you so much because I'm the rock for so many others so I can't be falling apart. I just need you to know that no matter how many days go by that I dont cry or I stay strong, I am still missing you everyday. I will love you forever.
Love,
mom

Well the plan was to have a heavenly celebration for Jonathan's birthday....that didn't happen! I always say I want to do certain things where Jonathan is concerned but I never do it. I have no idea why I even  say things out loud. Doing things in Jonathan's memory is something I dream of doing but for some reason as time passes its getting harder. I wish I knew why, I wish I could just follow through with these things. I don't even know what else to say about this, except that I am very disappointed in myself for never following through...........

A Heavenly Celebration!!

Well I made it through the 4 year anniversary of Jonathan's death. It was a tough one this year but I pulled through. Had to right? So now I'm preparing for his 14th birthday, or what would have been. If I can prepare for this, successfully that is, I will share the secret. But I don't think that is going to happen. Once your child has gone to heaven there isn't anything you can prepare yourself  for. Everything is always a mess but you make the best of that mess.
I want to celebrate his birthday this year, not sure how but I want to have our friends and family join us in this celebration. And his friends of course. I want to have a birthday party fit for an angel! A heavenly celebration. Not sure how my family will take this idea but I'm hoping they are OK with it.

Dear Jonathan,
three more days and it will be the anniversary of your death. three more days and all memories of  that day will resurface. three more days and we will be reminded yet again that you will not be coming home. all i want is for april 16 to come and go. i dont need to be reminded every year of what happened. i know what happened ............

Suicide and children

Do you ever wonder if your child is strong enough to handle the life as a student in elementary or high school? Do you ever think about what your child would do if they aren't strong enough? What about suicide, do you ever wonder if your child knows enough to commit such an act? Well I didn't. Why would I? I never in a million years thought that my child wouldn't be able to handle the life as a child. Maybe because after his death I came to the realization that the things children have to go through in school are not in most cases ok. I wont go into the details of all the things that happen in our schools that make our children feel weak and helpless, I'm sure you watch the news. The subject of this blog is about how we as parents think that our children are children and have no worries. We are wrong!! Not only do they have worries they also have minds that wonder how they can get rid of these worries. No matter how much we want to believe that our children have never thought of suicide much less how they will do it, they have. Life is happening all around them and everyday on the news, on the Internet, and in the papers our children our hearing and reading about someone somewhere who is committing suicide.As sad as it is and as much as we don't want to think about it there are more children then we think wondering if things would be easier on them if they just weren't here. My suggestion to every parent out there is to be aware, be aware of your child's friends and enemies. Don't brush their silence or their acting out off as your child being a child. Look into the situation at hand and if you're not satisfied with the answers you receive, don't let it go.

Answers come in odd ways

Today I started my day by asking the question why and as I have said in the past I try my best not to do that especially when it comes to Jonathan's death. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and God has a plan for all of us and we are not to question His plan. But today that just didn't sit well with me, then I went to church and everything changed. I sat in church listening very carefully to what pastor Doug was preaching and at one point I felt as if someone put there hand on my shoulder and said "now do you see".

When we were planning Jonathan's funeral we decided that the funeral home wasn't going to be big enough that we needed to find somewhere to have the funeral. My sister in law came to us and suggested that we ask to use The Alliance Church in New London. We did not attend that church nor any other church for that matter so we weren't sure what the outcome would be. My sister in law set up a meeting with the pastor of the church and he came to our house to meet us. When pastor Doug arrived at our home I knew right away that he was going to deliver the perfect service for Jonathan's funeral, before he even started to talk. My husband and I did not know him but our children did. He was also a substitute teacher at the school. He delivered the words of Jonathan's life to those that attended the funeral in a way that they would never forget him. After the the funeral was over and time had passed I attended the church a few times but because I cried every time I walked in there I stopped going. Well at least that's what I told my self.

I few months ago I decided to start going again. I came to the conclusion that although I may cry I needed to go. I needed to get my life on track. Before Jonathan's death I never thought much about church or the life God wanted me to live. I always believed in God and always thought I was a good person but never claimed to be a christian. After attending church and deciding to let God take over I can now say I am a christian and nothing makes me happier. While listening to pastor Doug today in church I finally understood what I believe is the reason pastor Doug came into my life and just maybe why Jonathan was taken from me so early. My life was not anywhere near where it needed to be when he died but because he died pastor Doug was brought into my life and because he was I am now able to say that if it weren't for pastor Doug's words and teaching I would not be following the Lord. Pastor Doug has been someone who I have been able to go to for many reasons but the most important is the one where he helped me see the life I want to live in order to see Jesus and my son. I am very grateful to God for bringing such a great teacher into my life because had he not I have no idea where my life would be. I know that God put pastor Doug in my life and I thank Him but I cant help but to thank pastor Doug also. He has taught me so much about why life with God on my side is the only way to live. I hope everyone has the opportunity to have someone so great to teach them the way of the Lord.

Dear God

Dear God,
I'm having a pretty difficult time today. I'm missing Jonathan so much that I find myself wanting to ask the question why. I never ask that, knowing I'm not to question why you do what you do and because I know I will not get the answer. With that said, I've asked anyway. This morning I was in church and found myself asking while I was there. As the service went on I also think I found somewhat of an answer and maybe I didn't but I sure was comforted somewhat. As pastor doug spoke I listened very carefully and actually smiled during one point because I felt as if you put your hand on my shoulder and said "now do you understand". The answer to that is yes I believe I do. Thank you God for making the pain of missing Jonathan today a little less painful. Knowing you had a plan and that plan is working makes my pain seem bearable now. Thank you God!!

Dear Jonathan

Dear Jonathan,
Today seems to be a day of memories for me. I have been thinking about you all day and as much as I try to remember happy times I still miss you tremendously. I feel the need to ask the question why today? Although I never do and I know there is no answer. I'm not sure why today is any different than any other day but for whatever reason today has become a difficult one. maybe its because the anniversary of your death is right around the corner or maybe its just because I haven't really let myself truly miss you lately. Whatever the reason, today is going to be long and tough. I miss you so much today that I could probably just sleep the day away. But knowing that is not good for me to do, I wont. I love you Jonathan and I can't wait for the day that I get to hold you tight.
Love,
Mom

Giving up is not an option

I could have laid down and not got back up, I could of cried and asked why all day long but where would that have gotten me? I'm able to go through life with joy, happiness, love and faith because I didn't lay down because I chose to kick the master of defeat in the teeth. Not everyone understand how I've been able to move on and what I tell those is summed up in one word....God! Of course my family has been a huge part of why I move on but lets be honest I wouldn't have them if it weren't for God either. I'm not saying i wasn't sad or that I wasn't depressed for a minute because that would mean I had no emotion. I was sad, still am just not depressed. I'll always be sad because I love him and miss him but the joy that I feel for the day that I will get to hold him again over powers the sadness. We as humans have things happen to us in our lives that we dont very fair, and as those things happen to us we have two choices. The first is to let our pain overcome us, to let the master of defeat win. But since we cant change the past by dwelling on the past and giving up why do it? Our second choice is a much more appealing one. Get up and move on! Dont dwell on what you cant change. God has a plan for everyone and doesnt want us to question why he does what he does. So dont! Instead tell yourself you are going to trust in God and have faith that although you dont understand why He has chosen such a path for you He does. I'm not saying turn into a zombie and walk on this earth like you dont have a care in the world, but what I am saying is dont your emotions become you. I know a few people who have not only felt grief but who have become the poster child for it. I'm not strong because i was born that way, Im strong because I chose to be!

Dear Jonathan

Dear Jonathan,
It's only been a week since you have left us and it already feels like a lifetime. No matter how many times I tell myself things will get better I get hit in the heart with reality, beecause right at that moment your dad, sister and or brother walks in the door to remind me of the pain I will stare at everyday. It's a week later and Derek and Bridget have decided they want to go back to school. That it's time. I agree but at the same time I want them here with me. I want to keep my eye on them and my arms around them at all times. It would mean the world to me if you could keep your eye on them and your arms around them when I'm not there. I know you will keep them safe. As much as I want you here I know that we couldn't have asked for a better guardian angel then you. I love you Jonathan and will miss you forever. See ya soon!

......

What do you do when that wall you have put up has been brought down? What do you do when you no longer have all the answers or atleast think you do? Right now would be the first time in almost 4 years that I have questions, that I have over flowing emotions, that no wall can hold back. Yes I know these things are normal,but they aren't normal for me. I don't question much because I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason...good and bad. We are not to question God and why he does the things He does. Although my faith in God has not been broken my confidence in what I thought I didn't need to know has. How do I get that back? Being strong is what I am and being that rock for so many others is what I do. I have no time in my life for weakness. I have no time in my life for questions.I can tell you from the bottom of my heart I don't like this, I do not like being weak,even if it's for a split second.

Blogging Again

It's been a long time since I've blogged but I'm back and ready to write again. Here it is almost Christmas. Another one without Jonathan. This will be our fourth Christmas with out him. Every year since he passed I've bought an ornament in memory of him and this year it's the letter J. Although I think it's a fitting ornament so far I haven't found that one that just sticks out and melts my heart. Not sure that I ever will because of course the only right one would be the one he made and that stopped 4 Christmas's ago. I did hang up a stocking for him this year, which is the first time I've ever done that. I'm not sure if it's because I'm nuts or if it's just because!!!

After three years when someone asks me how many children I have I say three. Never had a problem telling anyone that I have a child who has passed. Until two days ago. I was asked how many children I have and I said two. I didn't even mention jonathan. Not once. I feel like complete crap for doing that. I feel like Jonathan thinks I have forgotten him. But I haven't, I just felt like I didn't really want to go thought the whole story. We were having a good day and my kids were happy and having fun. Why would I turn it into a sad day?
Here I am defending myself and I don't know why. In three years I havent had any guilt or felt like I needed to explain anything but why now? I'm sorry Jonathan, I will never make that mistake again. I miss you and will never forget you.

How is it that one day I'm fine and the next I'm walking around like a zombie? I seriously cant handle the mood swings that come a week before and a week after. I don't know how I have managed to do this for three years. No one should ever have to do this. I miss my son so much that the pain is sharpening by the hour. ...................and as I just typed that last sentence I looked down at the clock and now know why it is. The horror that I know have to relive every year will begin in one hour.

Dear Jonathan

Dear Jonathan, It will be three years in four days that you have been gone and I'm trying to think of good memories instead of the bad. Here is one of those memories that I have. You wrestling with Bridget, Derek and Jessica. The three of you were so silly that day. As I look at this picture I wonder why you weren't helping your brother, he was being beat up by two girls and you are tickling his feet!! LOL That was so you! You were always doing just the opposite of what you should be doing. I loved watching you guys wrestle and play together. No matter how old the girls got they always played with you two. Now that says alot for those girls because you know how they are. :) I would like to tell everyone that you and your brother won that wrestling match but if I remember it right you and Derek got beat by girls. I really miss these days. I would do anything to be able to watch the four of you wrestle one more time. To watch you and Derek finally win would be great. I know that you are having a blast in Heaven but we really miss you down here on earth. So until the day we meet again please watch over these three and keep them safe from harm and always let them know you are there. We miss you and love you. Love, Mom

How to help

As the anniversary of Jonathan's death approaches I find myself thinking about all of my family and friends and how they so wanted to help after he died. For whatever reason they couldn't, didn't know how, or I wouldn't let them. I would like to share what I have learned since then. When Jonathan died there were so many family, friends, and teachers at the hospital that were there to support us and as far as I am concerned it helped me. They helped me keep my sanity. When we finally made it home so many more came to the house for the next few days. We had so much support from family and friends and years later I now see how great it was but at the time all I wanted was for everyone to leave. Some were cleaning my house, others were bringing in food, Derek and Bridget's friends were there keeping them busy, some were sitting at my kitchen table just talking and remembering. All of these things were things that at the time I thought I didn't need, and that all I needed was Jonathan and nothing anyone did or said would bring him back so why even bother. It has now been three years and I feel completely different. I have come to realize that supporting someone whose child who has just died is difficult for anyone to contemplate. Because the loss of a child is so taboo and gigantic we have very few words of comfort. The one thing that so many said to me and still do is "I'm sorry", I hated and still hate that comment. Why? Because what are you sorry for? Unless you took him from me you shouldn't be sorry. I know that seems so harsh but it is the way I feel. Some things that we say actually hinder instead of help. Many people will say 'I know how you feel" luckily that wasn't something that I had to ever hear. Because unless you have lost a child you will never know how I feel. After having years to think about the support that we had I now look back and thank God we had all the support. Right down to the person who mopped my floor. There were a few, I think. For those of you who don't know what to do for someone who is grieving, no matter who its for, here's a little advice...just be there!! Don't ask the grieving person what you can do , just do it and do it quietly. Here is a list of somethings that the grieving don't always remember to do and if you as the support person want to help you can. 1. clean the house 2.mow the grass or plow the drive 3.if there are little ones, keep them occupied 4.bring meals 5.offer to call anyone who hasn't heard about the death 6.do laundry 7.offer to just sit with them and say nothing After the funeral everyone seems to disappear. As if the person who has died has taken everyone with them. Don't be one of those friends who forgets about the grieving person because the funeral is over and we all must go on with our lives now. For a person who is grieving especially someone who has lost a child that isn't easy. 1.taxi the other children 2.help sort the child's belongings 3.continue calling and visiting, but never show with out calling first 4.invite the grieving to go on short outings 5.hug the grieving 6.listen and don't judge, especially with grieving parents because there is often guilt associated with a child's death so the parent will need that non judgemental friend. 7.let the grieving talk about that person who has left their lives, if you try to distract them the end result of your friendship could be just that, the end! I hope that what I have gone through and have learned will help someone else.

Dear Jonathan, Today is April 2 and your niece Breanna Lynn Sophia is here. She was born on March 28 at 9:28 am. She is beautiful and Bridget is a great mommy to her. Breanna looks just like you, Derek and Bridget when you were babies. We so wish you were here to meet her but since you aren't I am asking you to watch over her and be her personal guardian angel like you are for us. I know that you are here in your own way and I'm sure that you have met her in your own way. You loved babies so much, you would have made a great uncle. She would of adored you as she does Derek. I remember the last baby you held was Tytin and you were so amazed by how little he was. Babies loved you to. We love you and miss you Jonathan. Love, Mom