Dear Jonathan,

It is the day after your funeral and I am a mess. I miss you so much right now that I cant even take a breath without shedding a tear. Once again I woke up saying Im not going, if I dont go I dont have to say goodbye. If I dont go then I dont have to touch you and see you for the last time. It isnt fair.

Even though there were so many people, 500 to be exact, at the funeral to pay thier respects and support us it seemed like we were all alone. Me, dad, Bridget and Derek we were alone. I geuss I felt this way because we were alone, no one was feeling the pain that we were. As I sat there in the front near you and listened to all the nice things everyone had to say about you all I could think of was yelling out please stop. I didnt want to hear anymore becuase all it ment was they were speaking of you in a past tense and I was not ready to have a future without you. None of us were.There was a photo slide show of you and the whole time it played there wasnt a dry eye in the church. It was horrible listening to everyone cry, listening to myself cry. I wasnt suppose to be looking at a slide show I was suppose to be playing out side with you, watching you play video games, listening to you talk about Breana and how she was gonna marry you some day.

I was so mad. I wasnt even upset at this point I was mad, really mad. I couldnt understand what was going on. Pastor Doug did a great job and everyone who had something to say about you had such kind words but it didnt make the anger go away. I sat there pretending like I was handling it. But what everyone didnt know was that inside I was dead. I needed to pick you up and carry you out of there. I asked dad if I could pick you up and just hold you until I was ready to let go, if I could carry you off to another room to be with you. Needless to say dad looked at me with so many tears in his eyes and said "if it helps you". I didnt. Who would? I would of looked like a crazy woman.

I cried a lot through out the funeral service, many times but when every one started to come through the line hugging and saying Im sorry I lost it a few times. I was so tired of hugging and so tired of hearing Im sorry. I know they mean well and I have doen the same thing they did many times because you dont know what else to do. But yesterday I didnt care about any one but dad, Bridget and Derek. I just wanted someone to pinch me so I could wake up from this horrible nightmare.No one did and here I am writing all about it.
I love and miss you so much and I will write everyday.

Love,
Mom