Anger

"Your Not God", these would be the words that I remember so vividly only because they came right after the doctor said "he isn't going to make it". What? Who are you to make that decision? Those are the questions I asked. The one statement I made was "get in there and do your job, save my son". Well I came to find out that just because you demand it doesn't mean it works. When that doctor said that to me I wanted freak out on him because at that time it seemed so cold, inhumane to say that to a parent. Why couldn't he just say we are doing everything we can. I carried him for 9 months, loved and nurtured him for 9 years so who in the hell are you to tell me when my son is leaving this world. Anger was obviously the first emotion I felt after the fear, but believe me the fear came back.

I'm not sure that I never got over the anger. I'm still angry to this day. I mean how could I not be? I'm not angry at Jonathan, I'm not angry at the doctors, I'm not angry at God, and I m not angry at any family or friends, so who am I angry at? This I don't understand. I have this issue well at least I'm told its an issue, its called self analyzing myself. What I mean by this is I answer my own questions and I tend to come up with my own conclusion on why I think what I think and do what I do. So when the question about why am I still angry and who am I angry at well I almost think I have answered those questions.

Women are always known as the caring nurturing one that doesn't show anger, she shows love. We as women like to soothe pain calm the anger so of course as this whole process was unfolding I was doing just that for my family. I want showing the anger that I felt I was making everyone think that I was OK. Whatever that is. For a mother who has lost a child, the prohibition against anger blocks the most natural as well as the healthiest emotion she can show.This would explain why I'm still angry , I was afraid to show it. my family needed me to be there for them, to be the soother. As far as who I'm angry at, well I can now say I'm sorry to the doctor that said Jonathan wasn't going to make it. He was only being honest and of course at that time I had some displaced anger. I have come to realize that what I am angry at isn't a who its a what. The what being the circle of life. I have been deprived of my son because this is the way it is and there is no other explanation. God says this is it, so it is.