Grief

Grief in itself is a strong word and for many has many different emotions and meanings. As the years have passed since Jonathan's death I have been through many stages of grief and still don't understand the stages. I also find myself falling backwards into the stages I thought I already went through, successfully at that. Come to find out I have not made it through any stage successfully because there is always the possibility that I will take a step backwards. Why is that? Why is it that I can not move forward and stay there? The first stage is shock and of course I thought that I was through that but because shock comes with disbelief I'm still there. I'm still in disbelief that my son is gone. At the same time I know hes gone and I accept that, so why am I in shock? I feel like I'm stuck on automatic pilot and just drifting through life but I wake up and drive when I need to, like when my children need me. Then there are other aspects of my life that I feel s if I don't want to deal with it so I just turn on the automatic pilot switch. When will this end? When will I be able to take control and keep that switch off?

Lots of people distance themselves from their family and friends because it is to difficult to face the reality returning to their life. That is something I have said for three years that I was never gonna do. Well guess what, I have done that. I'm sure that most of my friends and family can testify to this. When did I come to realize this? Today! Today was the day that I looked in the mirror and saw a person who has left what life she had behind her. I saw someone that has tried to start a new one with her children and husband because for some reason I thought that was all I needed. Wow was I wrong. Maybe one day I will do something about it. Even though I see it I'm not sure I will ever change it. Tomorrow is another day and another hill.

I have so many things running through my mind tonight that I don't even know where to begin.I guess I will begin with the fact that I really wanted to go to Jonathan's grave today but for some reason couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm not really sure why right after he passed away I wouldn't miss a day but now it has been months. I feel as if every time I go there it all starts all over again. It makes it so real. Although I know it is, I don't need any more reminders. I know that many people think that is what we are suppose to do but why? Why do we have to grave sites? I mean I can still talk to Jonathan whenever and wherever,right?

The one thing that bothers me the most about me not going is the fact that I have no idea if its being taken care of. I don't know who goes there and who cleans it off. I don't want him to think I have no interest in taking care of it. I do I just cant bring myself to go. Maybe one day I will go again;

Dear Jonathan,
It is December 23rd and I'm begining to miss you more and more this Christmas. I keep reminding myself of all the great Christmas memories that we had together but I want just one more. Well maybe many more! I miss getting gifts from you that you find around the house , that already belonged to me, dad , or the kids. I actually miss having to give them back after Christmas to. I miss all of it and you. I just dont know how many Christmas's I a have to go through before it gets easier. I want to be able to buy you things and I want you to be the first one to wake dad and I in the morning like you use to. No matter how early it is! If I could just wake up this Christmas to you standing over me and saying "its Christmas come on get up, lets open gifts, I will get Bridget and Derek up" I would be so happy. I wouldnt ask for another thing ever again. And back to reality I go , because I know this is never gonna happen.

I know that we will get to spend Christmas together again and I can not wait for the day. I dont think that we know what Christmas is really like here on earth but I bet when we gt to Heaven we will find out and will be magical. I can not wait for the Christmas where your gift comes in the form of a hug and another I love you and I cant wait to return that gift. I love you dearly and Merry Christmas

Love,
Mom

I must be crazy

I find myself missing Jonathan a lot lately. I'm guessing its because of the holidays. This will be the third Christmas we have had to spend with out him and it seems to be weighing on my heart heavily. I'm not sure why this year seems to be as if it were the first and I can seem to shake the feeling of not wanting to celebrate. I know that I cant do that to my children who I am very blessed to still have here with me but I just cant seem to get into the spirit. The first Christmas we spent without Jonathan was horrible and the second seemed to be better but for some reason this year is like reliving the first all over again. Why? No matter how much I tell myself things will get easier they don't and frankly I'm tired of telling my self this because I'm only lying to myself. Its gotten to the point where I'm becoming exhausted due to the constant thinking of Jonathan. I'm sure that didn't sound right at all, and the way I mean it is that although I enjoy remembering Jonathan and thinking of him I wish that I could find away to think of him and not be sad about it. I shouldn't be sad when I think of him, I should be thrilled to have such great memories. I want every Christmas and every birthday to be a joyous moment for me and my family but I'm not sure how I'm going to do this. I miss Jonathan so much this year that I am almost tempted to go out buy him a new Xbox game or a new bike because his doesn't work anymore. What in the world am I thinking?

Who am I angry at? and why?

It has been over 2 years and I still don't know what to expect. I'm still going into periods of shock. Not so much denial because I know hes gone, I know hes not coming back, but I'm still very shocked at the fact that children can die. Before Jonathan died I told my self all the time that it could never happen to me, why in the world would I ever say that? Its so weird because people use to say to me all the time, and I guess they still do, that I'm a caring thoughtful person but to be honest with you I have found myself not caring about much of anything these days other than my children. I'm not sure how to even change this.
I'm still angry about Jonathan's death but I don't normally show it. I'm not angry at him or anyone else but I'm angry if that makes any sense at all. Its funny because I sit and think about who it is I'm angry with and I come up with no one. I cant blame Jonathan because I don't think he knew what he was doing, I don't blame myself or my husband, I definitely don't blame God, and the doctors they did everything they could. So who's fault is this? Who should I be angry at for taking my son away from me?

As I'm writing this I have a thought and I don't think Ill be able to blog about that thought. I think I just got my answer.

Dear Jonathan

Dear Jonathan,
This morning after I dropped Bridget and Derek off at school I went through the cemetary
. I know its been a while, I'm sorry. I just cant seem to make it a regular thing that I do. It hurts to much, I guess because it makes your death "real". Anyway this is not why I'm writing. I'm sure you already know but your big sister is about to have a baby and I need for you to watch over her, to make sure her and princess Breanna are safe, healthy and happy. Yes I said Breanna! I know you are just tickled pink about that. Dad actually picked out the name and Bridget fell in love with it. Dad asks everyday if its still the same. Bridget has changed it a few times but I think she will stick with it. Bridget has been doing great through out her pregnancy but I think when she has Breanna things are gonna get a little tough for her and I would like for you to keep an eye on her and make sure she knows she can do this. She is young and has a long road ahead of her and has a great support system but I just need a little help from you to help remind her of this often. I am very proud of the way Bridget has taken on this responsibility and I think she realizes what a blessing Breanna is.
Derek, well hes another story. Your brother is growing up so fast. One minute hes a child and the next hes a young man. He says and does so many things that make me wonder if you are constantly with him. He has so many words of wisdom , as if hes seen something I haven't. I do believe he has and I think it is you. Thank you son for being such a great brother and guardian angel to your brother and sister. They love you and miss you. We all love and miss you.

Love,
Mom

What about my prayers?

I know that God answers your prayers in his own way but I cant help but wonder why he cant answer just some of them in the way I want it answered. I pray to God everyday for many reasons, not just for me but for others to and no matter how hard I pray it seems that the pain and suffering of so many keep going on. Why is that? I mean do we really need pain and suffering in our lives to make us see what its all about? Because I can tell you right now that I couldn't handle anymore pain and I know so many others that couldn't either. I tell so many others that all they have to do is have faith that God will take care of us and yet I'm beginning to question it. Why though? Why am i having this set back? I'm not sure how much longer I can hand over my faith before I stop handing it over. I don't want this to happen, I want to be able to keep believing that He will prevail and the pain in my heart will get less and less if not go away go all together.